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About Today.

Lately I've been questioning what am I doing, a general question but a question with regards to everything at the moment - Living in Berlin, my career, my love life or issues that come from it, my past and my lack of intuitive self awareness  (confidence even) when it comes to myself - 
It seems lately to have crashed down around me and I'm really struggling with all these things - I'm a proud man, more proud then people know & seeming weak is not in my nature, yet in retrospect that is whats caused this - my  determination to be blind coupled with my lack of courage. 

*
I am not one dimensional, as much as I would like to be sometimes, I regret to say that I'm not - like everyone, I'm complex way more then I care to admit yet my failures are seeming strong. 

*
It's a Saturday night, I've got some candles lit and I'm slowly sinking into my pit of despair. 
I allow myself to stay down, I activity push myself down because it's comforting, it's an understanding I know. 

A few weeks ago I suffered panic attacks (they've been appearing lately for no good reason), I was off sick for two weeks & decided a quiet trip home would be good for me, now skip a few weeks later & I'm seeing my therapist weekly - I've considered this a weakness but speaking to a worried friend, reassured me that it's not. 
My blindness, in terms of weakness is the only negative. 

*
It's Sunday morning and I'm going home. 
It's the first time in a very long time I've felt honest, life this morning was honest and true. 
I was me & you were you, it's a scary feeling because people don't allow themselves the vulnerability to express themselves clearly in the light of day, yet shying away and ignoring your life is merely confusing as conflict grows and questions of hatred come into play. 

* 
I take pills to make myself feel better. I have good weeks and bad weeks - be it a testament of my love that you few knew this.
Things are hard, harder than I'd care to admit sometimes, but this morning, waking up with honestly wrapped around me reassured me that I'm not the only one struggling. 

So while I lay in bed, contemplating my next move, I can't help but think about today. 


  

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