Being Home.

Truth; 

Noun //

        - The quality or state of being true. 

        - That which is true or in accordance            

           with fact or reality. 

        - A fact of belief that is accepted as true.

Can you put your hand up and say your truthful to yourself ? 

Can you open your mind up and allow yourself the honesty that you need to understand what's wrong? understand that your main priority is you, you alone and no one else ? 

Has that thought come into your mind yet, if it hasn't & your surrounded with the notion that you're in the wrong, stop breathe & take a step back, look around you - are you your main concern ? 

* 

I, for a long time struggled with being my main concern, ultimately when I decided to rearrange my priorities (call it "being selfish" if you want) people started getting ridiculously personal about it, resulting in some failed friendships, bitter conversations & a somewhat whiff of jealously in the air started circulating, yet the most surprising thing to emerge was the friendships that solidified. 

(I recently spoke to a friend over the phone, joking that our conflicting schedules needed some major managing by a personal assistant who could arrange some time for us, but one thing I said was "the longer we don't see each other / the better the friendship",  granted this isn't for new friends, sometimes not even for good friends, but ones who truly mean something special). 

I tried to push everyone away, I thought no one understands and truthfully no one does - no ones walked in my shoes, yet having him beside me at night, having him support me emotionally and calling me out on my shit has been the biggest thing I've realised; that I was pushing away. 

Everyone has shit going on, everyone has a life if not more simple or more complex than my own, but shit none the less - derailing your life in the hope of comfort doesn't resolve the problems your faced with, it takes a lot to acknowledge your problems & ultimately deal with them, but only if your brave enough todo so. 

*

Being home has surprised me in many ways, it seems after spending hundreds of euro on therapy it's actually working, I'm doing something right - the universe is good to me at long last - rejoice in happiness and then I cry at my bank balance! 

But what I mean is, coming home & dealing with all the 6+ year absence from the family, dealing with the abandonment I suffered with as a child, taking the time to understand the priorities I didn't want to make - all makes me realise that I wasn't my main concern. 

A good dear friend apologised to me for the absence over the past few months, & if truth be told it's appreciated but understandably life goes on; she's been suffering like myself, her issues I couldn't help with, she couldn't help with mine. I apologised too, yet we know this is life. REALSHIT. 

*

I miss my home, I miss my friends & I miss his smell, his kiss and his embrace.

Don't hold me tight baby because I'm not going anywhere.  

Note: 

I feel like after spending the past 18 years dealing with my fathers suicide, two shattering episodes, hundreds on therapy I'm finally entering a new phase. 

I want a simple life, I have professional ambitions and simple pleasures. 

Being kind to yourself is hard work but ultimately the most imparting thing you can do.