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Love Be Brave.

You should be gone beast, you should be long gone by now, after months of therapy you still tick on by. Without a flinch you creep up on me, derailing my hope & easy way to life, my hopelessly romantic attitude & my determination to fix this awful place. 

I just need a little more time, I just need a little more heart, I just need a little something from you (yet I can't lean on this, I can't hope for this, I can only try). 

*
If truth be told I've had a lot of trouble writing this somewhat final ( for now ) piece. 

Everything has changed for them, they see a different picture I've painted yet my friends call it me. A good friend told me that she was upset by the attitude I once came home with after some months of living in Berlin, and if truth be told upon reflection she was right. 

*
He told me he didn't want to love me. He told me he didn't want to have me as a boyfriend. He told me he didn't care about me, he (I suspect) was lying to himself. We met in the midst of my therapy, when the night was cold, full of anxiety and skeletons in the closet itching to crawl out, yet he prevailed. I distended myself from therapy in order to understand my life that once was before, unknowingly to me he took me away holding my hand. Patience is his virtue, yet my story became unravelled with despair, forgotten hope from my childhood & bittersweet conversations resulting in a fall out with my mother. 

"Determined" is what my therapist called me when we had our last appointment, for I did it, I cracked the egg and washed away the yoke and ultimately the hatred I held for myself, for my dad, for his family & my mother. All under the pressure of my own will, hard core determined mind & strength to finally understand it, also all with my boyfriend loving me quietly in the background. 

See, sometimes life takes hold and upsettingly enough it's most possibly the best thing for you upon reflection.

*
I just need a little more time,I just need a little more heart, I just need a little something from me. 

Changing with you're surroundings is natural, I've done that. I've always held myself high until I didn't. Stupid games took hold, people got upset & I found myself in a Lana Del Ray song, smoking away the life I created. 
Now skip a few months later, I'm back to me. No doubt about it, yet the friendships lost are something that hurts. The anxiety comes back, rushing up through my body until I'm numb. Simple dinners become hard, due to my judgmental state, yet leaning on him isn't an answer, yet that's the problem. 

I say one more year here, Christmas is coming, I'm home. I've got friends visiting, a rejoicing moment. 
Me, from home....me the one who's not here.
Yet while I look at myself I see I'm not the demon in the dark. 

*
It's not always easy, it's not always clear, you've got to fight through the midst, hoping you can follow the light. 
Surrounding yourself with good people is what matters, for without that you're stuck in the dark 

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