A Blue Bouquet

Dear M, We blame ourselves all the time. Sometimes for things that are our own doing and some that have been forced upon us by others. We hate ourselves, we become consumed by the hatred we feel towards ourselves, we even thrive on it. Last week I sat on my kitchen floor crying my broken heart out. I slowly started hating myself again and hating my new found singleton and all that comes with it. See I got consumed in us, I destroyed us and for that I'm sorry. I know I made your life hell, I know I did but I couldn't help it, I really couldn't. I forgave myself for that now, I know what I've done wrong and I promised myself I would never let that happen again. I always seen people are intruders, I would always be cold to them and not welcome them into my world. My world of great friends and my boyfriend. I thought I had it all, when in reality I had you in chains. I would push people out, let them know I didn't want them in my life and in turn I woul...

The big D is back. Its slowly starting to take hold of me, I can feel it slipping back into the light, the light I've tried so hard to stay in. Its bad and its feeling pretty heavy but I welcome it with open arm's. Strangely enough I like the big D even though its awful, its something I've tried so hard not to feel for quite some time, something I've pushed out into the shadows where it belongs but its coming. Roisin  is a wild one, she can party five nights a week and still work her fill time job, she can wake up all over the city wearing nothing but shame but still look like she's spent her whole morning getting ready. Drugs and alchol are her past times. She makes friends with everybody and anybody, she's a truly beautiful person and I always welcome her with open arms when she appears. But Damian is a solid person, his roots are deep from the pain of the past and sadly they hold him back a lot. He can change his surrounds and adjust quite qui...

Dear F, We put food into the freezer to preserve them, to keep them fresh so that when we want to eat the food we can. I put food into the freezer all the time, the bread I buy in bulk goes in, the chicken I buy also the meat and fish and the ice-cream too. But a few months ago I put my heart into the freezer. I had to, I had to preserve it, it slowly started to rot in my hands. See it got ripped out of my chest with such force it took my breathe away. It was an awful scene the only thing I remember was the sweet taste of our tears as we kissed. I remember all that blue blood on the floor and your hands covered in blood. As I walked out the front door I closed it behind me and in turn I closed a door to a life I loved and lived for. It took me a long time to come to terms with my new life. It had happened so fast it didn't feel right, it felt like a dream or as if I never met you. I remember snow was on the ground and I foolishly went on a date with someone, I cant ...

What remains? Your left an empty vessel floating on the sea in the eye on the storm. It's so calm you can't hear anything and you can't see anything, you only feel the pain the suffering that's embraced you and you can't help but feel helpless. You feel like your left with nothing but the vessel your on and the worse part is you don't know how your going to escape it or if you ever will. Sometimes we don't, sometimes we float on this sea for a long time, always in the eye of the storm choosing not to sail forward and bear the worst. The dread of coming to terms with what's ahead is something most of us fear. Some of us in fact like the pain we feel, like the fact were in a mess in which we can't turn back or escape from, but some people are so terrified to face the storm too. Its hard when the waves keep crashing against the vessel, the ice cold waves which are so high. We cant help but feel were going to sink, but the only way to ...

Everybody in the world has a story. Everybody in the world has a story to be told. People may talk about themselves to a friend or write novels based around there own life experiences but say its based on fiction. People aren't brave, people hide behind themselves and don't admit whats really going on, w ith some many people in the world its hard to imagine that someone has the same story. Its very unlikely that someone does, they many have the same experiences in life, maybe a similar background but never the same detail that goes into the story, the detail in a story is what makes it unique and real. My book of life is quite funny, I don't hide behind anything at all I tell it how it is and in some cases go into too much detail but that's the magic about a story, especially a story that wants to be told. Without the detail the story would be nothing, not a blank canvas but something unoriginal and boring and something that everyone has heard before. My stor...

Dear C, Its funny how we see people. A smile can cover alot of pain, a lot on confusion and a life someone leads. A smile can cover their past and the questions they have about the present. Sometimes we don't think about the real person behind the smile, we only see them at face value even if were quite good friends with them and we may never know their pain unless we express ours. Have you ever seen someone and thought about their life? I mean life is just a question with many possibilities, line's and layer's. Lines tell a tale a story even of the past and layer's show progression. But can we get lost in this, I mean the line's and layer's? Lines stretch many ways, they can be long and short, deep and shallow but layer's cant always be seen by the naked eye. We get lost in this layering of life, if its not progression in a job its progression in a relationship or mostly progression with ourselves, to understand and sometimes define ourselves...

Dealing with loss is a hard emotion to over come. Ive only realized this lately, I mean Ive dealt with my fair share of loss. Ive lost my father, my grandfather and Ive also cut my family out of my life. There are time's I wish I could be there for them, time's like today. To go to my grandmother's with flowers and a present for mother's day, to wish her a happy mother's day or to see my little cousin's grow up and help them grow up, as I never had that. But its not that simple, the loss of my father has brought up alot of ghost's and it will always haunt me. His actions have resulted in me trying to kill myself, being medicated on anti-depressants and year's spent in therapy. His action's resulted in my life going down a road it should never have had. A road of scares, break downs and utter confusion. But there are those who we loose who we are not made up of. Those people can be simply replaced by someone else and its that idea that...