Dear F,
We put food into the freezer to preserve them, to keep them fresh so that when we want to eat the food we can.
I put food into the freezer all the time, the bread I buy in bulk goes in, the chicken I buy also the meat and fish and the ice-cream too.
But a few months ago I put my heart into the freezer.
I had to, I had to preserve it, it slowly started to rot in my hands.
See it got ripped out of my chest with such force it took my breathe away.
It was an awful scene the only thing I remember was the sweet taste of our tears as we kissed.
I remember all that blue blood on the floor and your hands covered in blood.
As I walked out the front door I closed it behind me and in turn I closed a door to a life I loved and lived for.
It took me a long time to come to terms with my new life.
It had happened so fast it didn't feel right, it felt like a dream or as if I never met you.
I remember snow was on the ground and I foolishly went on a date with someone, I cant begin to question why but I did, it felt weird to be out with someone other then you but at the time it's what I needed.
The idea of being with someone else seems unjust and it almost feels like I'm cheating somehow.
You choose to ignore me, you don't respond to my calls or emails or texts, its almost as if you want to forget me, forget the life we had and the memories we made, maybe you are but I'm not.
I cant they mean too much to me.
But I've realized lately that I'm not ready for anything at all other then a drink with someone, maybe a kiss too if it feels right.
Because now I'm scared.
My heart is totally frozen and shut off to the world and in time it will warm again but for the moment its not.
Maybe its the fact I'm still hearth broken and I compare people too much to an old flame.
All the things he done I still think about, all the little moves you get use to when you are with someone for so long are hard to forget, its hard to break a natural reaction if someone does something a similar way or if someone says something so similar.
People think I'm fine.
The way I act, I kiss men on nights out and run around drunk and make a show of myself and they think I'm fine because I'm drunk and having a laugh, but that's not the case.
A smile can hide a thousands things.
People like to lie to themselves a lot and pretend there fine when there not and sadly I'm one of them.
I've accepted that you'll never be mine again, I understand that now but its hard.
Its never easy to forget the blue blood that covered you and me.
Holding my heart and telling myself its okay, when it really wasn't.
A sweet lie to hide the pain.
-this post is a collection of notes Ive written since he left.
We put food into the freezer to preserve them, to keep them fresh so that when we want to eat the food we can.
I put food into the freezer all the time, the bread I buy in bulk goes in, the chicken I buy also the meat and fish and the ice-cream too.
But a few months ago I put my heart into the freezer.
I had to, I had to preserve it, it slowly started to rot in my hands.
See it got ripped out of my chest with such force it took my breathe away.
It was an awful scene the only thing I remember was the sweet taste of our tears as we kissed.
I remember all that blue blood on the floor and your hands covered in blood.
As I walked out the front door I closed it behind me and in turn I closed a door to a life I loved and lived for.
It took me a long time to come to terms with my new life.
It had happened so fast it didn't feel right, it felt like a dream or as if I never met you.
I remember snow was on the ground and I foolishly went on a date with someone, I cant begin to question why but I did, it felt weird to be out with someone other then you but at the time it's what I needed.
The idea of being with someone else seems unjust and it almost feels like I'm cheating somehow.
You choose to ignore me, you don't respond to my calls or emails or texts, its almost as if you want to forget me, forget the life we had and the memories we made, maybe you are but I'm not.
I cant they mean too much to me.
But I've realized lately that I'm not ready for anything at all other then a drink with someone, maybe a kiss too if it feels right.
Because now I'm scared.
My heart is totally frozen and shut off to the world and in time it will warm again but for the moment its not.
Maybe its the fact I'm still hearth broken and I compare people too much to an old flame.
All the things he done I still think about, all the little moves you get use to when you are with someone for so long are hard to forget, its hard to break a natural reaction if someone does something a similar way or if someone says something so similar.
People think I'm fine.
The way I act, I kiss men on nights out and run around drunk and make a show of myself and they think I'm fine because I'm drunk and having a laugh, but that's not the case.
A smile can hide a thousands things.
People like to lie to themselves a lot and pretend there fine when there not and sadly I'm one of them.
I've accepted that you'll never be mine again, I understand that now but its hard.
Its never easy to forget the blue blood that covered you and me.
Holding my heart and telling myself its okay, when it really wasn't.
A sweet lie to hide the pain.
-this post is a collection of notes Ive written since he left.
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