Forgive The Family // Forget You

Dealing with loss is a hard emotion to over come.

Ive only realized this lately, I mean Ive dealt with my fair share of loss.
Ive lost my father, my grandfather and Ive also cut my family out of my life.
There are time's I wish I could be there for them, time's like today.
To go to my grandmother's with flowers and a present for mother's day, to wish her a happy mother's day or to see my little cousin's grow up and help them grow up, as I never had that.
But its not that simple, the loss of my father has brought up alot of ghost's and it will always haunt me.
His actions have resulted in me trying to kill myself, being medicated on anti-depressants and year's spent in therapy.
His action's resulted in my life going down a road it should never have had.
A road of scares, break downs and utter confusion.

But there are those who we loose who we are not made up of.
Those people can be simply replaced by someone else and its that idea that's the hardest.
The familiar is the hardest to break as we become so settled in it, it becomes a routine in a way.
We know the directions of a persons mind and we know what road that they are traveling down and the paths they must take.
But trying to forget that person and all they are is hard.
To not think about them is hard to not even question there actions or even ask how they are is hard, because if we do we slowly start to question there happiness and our own and we slowly get consumed again.
Consumed by the familiar and we start to be afraid of the dark.

There is a reason why we don't talk about these thing's, it's because it hurts.
It hurts our own mental state, it hurts our heart's our family's and friend's, it hurts everyone around us one way or another.


The other night I was tempted to ask how you are.
But I couldn't the shame I would have felt in knowing I still cared.
I do care I care an awful lot.
But your actions resulted in me going down a road I shouldn't have.
A road of self doubt, questions, confusion, self medicating and filled with so much pain.

I didn't go to my grandmother's today.
I didn't call her to wish her a happy mother's day, I haven't seen or spoken to her in about two year's nor do I speak to my uncle's or my aunt's or even attend my little cousin's birthday parties, even when I'm invited.
I forgave him, there brother and there son for what he has done, but sadly I can not forget as I'm part of him and Ive got his name.

We learn to push people into the back of our mind's with the hope to forget them.
With the hope we walk by them on the street and not recognise them just another face we don't care for, another body born to this world.

I forgave you and I'm starting to forget you.
I will always have the memories and the picture's and the song's, but one day we will walk by each other and we will not recognise each other, all we will see is another face we don't care for.

This pain and this motion in life you caused and you only have your self to blame.
Where ever you may be, in the after life or here on earth.