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See the light.

Dear M,

We blame ourselves all the time.
Sometimes for things that are our own doing and some that have been forced upon us by others.
We hate ourselves, we become consumed by the hatred we feel towards ourselves, we even thrive on it.

Last week I sat on my kitchen floor crying my broken heart out.
I slowly started hating myself again and hating my new found singleton and all that comes with it.

See I got consumed in us, I destroyed us and for that I'm sorry.
I know I made your life hell, I know I did but I couldn't help it, I really couldn't.
I forgave myself for that now, I know what I've done wrong and I promised myself I would never let that happen again.

I always seen people are intruders, I would always be cold to them and not welcome them into my world.
My world of great friends and my boyfriend.
I thought I had it all, when in reality I had you in chains.
I would push people out, let them know I didn't want them in my life and in turn I would make yours hell.
I've learnt my lessons, I really have and once again I'm sorry.

There comes a time when you have to let it go, I'm trying that now.
He will always have a hold on me, my first real love my first big love who I would have done anything for and who I did. (its awful the way its gone).
I will cry from time to time, I will question it everyday like I do now, question how he is, question how his family are and his friends, question every little thing about his life that I don't know now.

My friend, I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance before.
Its only lately we've become great friends and I'm so lucky to say your a friend to me because you my dear are amazing and inspiring to me, never stop.

To the rest, lock the door that hides the empty room, the empty room filled with some many memories.
It will always be there and it will always sit on top of the stairs and haunt you, but in time after you've opened the window and smelt the sweetness of fresh air, you will stop looking back and let it be.

I hope in time you can forgive me.
I hope in time you can all forgive me.

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