A Blue Bouquet

The wind chimes sing there wind blown song as I walk down my back garden. The little wild black berries fall upon my head as to remind me of where I am now. My reality has taken a beaten lately, my mind has been crawling out of a hole so deep I couldn't even see the light, yet the shadows of those above made me jealous for I knew they were happy and I couldn't help but wonder why I wasn't. I was there for the breakdown and the questions of a shaken foundation, I held your hand and we drank....awaking in an empty room to silence, filled me with ease for I knew the world was right again, the bedroom was occupied by two, not one lonely soul. It's the understanding you have that helps the most, the road so similar left behind was a struggle to get away from, your body so questionable and your mind racing at an unreasonable speed mirrors mine in so many ways. They don't understand for they don't know the truth. I've been chasing myself, slowly stabbing...

It's an odd feeling that doesn't drown the body in sorrow. I'm not left heavy hearted, wanting more or feeling isolated, I don't even have that over bering feeling of joy, it's an odd adjustment from the first time, but at a second thought it was what it was. I guess that's what it's like these past few weeks, ignored phone calls and empty replies have taken a hold on the shattered mind for no one knows what's going to happen...aside the hill top the water ran, once again it will reach the sea. It's that time for parties and drunken resolutions to be made by friends, tales of the year go by with a hurrah and a simple smile that's blossomed by love. * It was today that caught me. A day to remember the good ole days, the fights and the sorrows. A day to create new times and venture out as someone new with more positive outlook on life. It's been too long, yet we haven't changed at all dear friend.

I've been back and forth, up and down and quite rightly a mess the past few weeks. I can't help but look out at the snow and only think of times gone by. Those times were we would sit there, wrapped around each other, never letting the dream end or thinking of the reality we weren't in. It hits me like punches when the thoughts slowly fade back into my mind and the reality of life slowly turns its ugly head. It's hard to remember it this time, I'm almost waging a war inside my head trying to understand all that life has brought me since, the changing dynamics that had me at hello now haunt that freedom for its clouded by the night sky, a trickle of snow flake and the reminder I'm alone. I can feel it slowly taking hold, the idea of all that we done now a mere blip in the reality of things. I do often wonder if that water brought you to the land you sought out and the freedom we so desperately needed. Questions have almost shattered me this year, yet ...

It's all happened this year, the mask came off and the truth I was afraid of came out. It hurts to acknowledge it's existence sometimes, yet I must for its face is mine and it's body is that of the soul I bear. the clouded years seem only too sweet for forgotten memories were there, white clouds of far away shined in the clear sky and dismantled the mind into such a state of forgetfulness and an almost subjewed state of calm. I wish I could let it go as its lowered for its too heavy to float with the living, yet I adore the pain for I am the masochist doing this but I can't help those dark days of solitude and slight mindfull bliss. Chasing the memories until I crumble at my feet, crying out but wanting more, desperate to say the words of the past. * If it wasn't for your smile, your charm and your sheer ability to wash away the blue stains below I'd be a crumbled mess. It was long overdue yet the shifting tides keep us at bay.

I've been awake for over two hour's now. I awoke with a slight headache for we drank wine last night and the talking got deep. It's still inside me, the comedown from the week before. It's taken me a while to understand it and to deal with it. It was heavier then before, maybe by mistake for it was a shorter period of time. My clothe's are still sitting in the washing machine, asking to be hung out and dried but I don't care. I've sat here drinking coffee after coffee and chain smoking, not letting my mind rest from the question's pouring in and out. My constant speed has come to an abrupt halt, I've slowed everything down and enjoyed the dark lonely sky beating down above me. In dark place's it grow's, slowly consuming the powerless mind for the serotonin is gone. This week has been hard for the bitter taste still stung my throat three day's later. Now while I consider breakfast, I'm gaining the hope back. I've read...

It's funny how I've found myself gaining everything I've wanted these past few weeks, yet at the same time I'm losing it all too. I've moved home at an unhealthy expense but now I can sleep at night for I know my mind will be relaxed, I've grew through those people around me yet I can't help but question those of the almost past. Questions are shooting up left right and center yet I can't understand the language for it's totally unknown territory. It's been bitter sweet if I'm honest, I don't know if or how this can be mended or if it will, all I know is to keep that promise for you set this silence in motion. Now while the sides are drawn up and numbers have been lost or misplaced, people have moved on and grown up and some have cleverly imaged the world through someone else's eye's, I can't help but wonder what's become of us all? I've taken two steps forward and four steps back lately. Yes times have changed and it...