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In Reverse.

I've been over working lately but more accurately slaving away at my job seems to fit better.  For what, this somewhat career in the hope of praise, fulfilment and a sense of comfort - why push yourself for no return ? Lately I've caught myself asking myself the same questions. 

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It's hard when you misplace the balance and harder to regain control of things we've lost, to try and settle the playing field even and enjoy what we all so desperately want - a simple life. 

I feel cheated in a way sometimes, cheated by my own self righteous attitude, cheated by the fact I haven't had my chance to grow - repetitiveness lives on regardless of where you are or who you know. 
The three different women in the bakery know my order, my sandwich bar lady knows my name and talks me to like we're friends yet I don't understand a thing she says. I live by a set time impulsed by brave decisions yet  I've noticed my routine has become somewhat dim. Challenges are welcomed with open arms yet I find it hard to develop my understanding all because of misplaced emotions.

I can't help myself to sometimes take all the good out of here, slowly slice it into strips of poison and make myself eat it - pulling myself into reverse, pulling myself back some few hundred miles (home).  

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You have to let yourself get carried away, made enlightened, made disappointed, ashamed and even confused in order to enjoy this upbeat change of tempo - the changing dynamic in life is made possible by the sheer un-wanting of things, the dramatic unwillingness to allow yourself the opportunities and the shock factor when it does hit you - enjoy the splendour of cold nights and romantic jesters....we all know it's been a long time coming. 

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Finally, the most important thing to remember is that you are alone here. 
It was your decision to move here, your plan that created this life and your ideas that inspire the rest - you are alone here, miles away from the truth of home, the shattered believers who thrive on bullshit and idiocy of their ever growing egos. 
My life here is a challenge in many ways yet the life I create is my own. Without the noise. 

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