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When Were You Happy? Pt2.

When Were You Happy?
(Contentment vs happiness) 

A post I wrote almost a year ago now, when, let's say I was questioning something more worthwhile, more enriching and something more diverse than the small city I came from. The struggle wasn't with the world but with my own stubborn attitude to life, my own powerless mind consumed with failure, my lack of appreciation for myself & everything I've seemed to create - troubled pasts will always haunt you dear soul, sitting on that bench I'm sure you thought of us. 

* 
What I've come to understand about the people I've met here is, somehow we are all the same. Struggling with our own self righteous attitudes, our powerless minds consumed with love for another, trapped and unable to enjoy the splendour of the moment because we've got high hopes, issues with security only brought on by dark memories and sadly a feeling of pure isolation and complete unnerving anxiety. 

What's the reason for us to continue this self destruction ? 

* 
In some ways I feel I need it more than I'd care to admit. Quiet nights seem so far away yet they're a memory of a time of self destructive thinking - socially consuming, drastically changing & sadly unrewarding of any form of attention or affection - yes that's home. My bedroom on top of the landing would be a sweet retreat for quiet is all around - hearing my own thoughts is hard when external factors are at a constant push and I've somehow found myself in the position I always said I wouldn't. 

* 
I found myself in the self help isle of a book store recently, looking at some pretty horrific titles & while I gave the idea a moments thought I realised what the issues were. 

I guess now at this stage, I can see the bad judgements I've made before. I can see the pattern I've made and yet, while I let myself trust and slowly let them high walls down reality fights back, almost like a punishment for the times I caused pain and pulls it apart. 
Yet what I've seen is that, it's hard to always be self reliant (I'm a very confident comfortable person when it comes to being alone) yet now, surrounded by epic love stories, small romances and hearing tales of glory I've come to see what missing and what I need (as desperate & as selfish as that sounds). 

*
It's a constant push this life, it's an uphill battle and a constant stream of laughter. 
You've to surround yourself with people who inspire, trust & respect you, people who care & people who can hold your hand in the dark and laugh with you in the light of day. 

These are the people back home for me, also living on the other side of the world, sleeping across the landing from me at night & living close by. It's these people that turn the contentment to happiness, one day at a time.  

Now reflect on what you've got and ask yourself, am I content or am I happy ? 

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