A Blue Bouquet

Do I love you my darling ? Can I love you my darling or are you going to hurt me all over again ?  "If you decide to take him back, make sure he's worth it, because you are beautiful and deserving of love"   * Somehow you're trying. Somehow you're managing to piece it back together, it's the first few weeks of Spring and you're grateful for the warmer weather, the blissful sunshine on your face & the scent of blossoming flowers in the air is a welcome distraction from the misery you've known of this world.  I've been running again, twice a week in fact and I'm going to yoga too to strengthen my core & to twist my body into a relaxing pose, I also meditate to relax my mind which hopefully will help me understand the situation I've now found myself in.  My mind is tormented by doubt & anger with every refresh I do on the Craigslist personal ads. I'm trying to catch him out so I feel justified for the anger and h...

Things are hard, harder than I'd care to admit sometimes but this morning, waking up with honesty wrapped around me assured me that I'm not the only one struggling.  So while I lay in bed, contemplating my next move, I can't help but think about today.  I wrote this one Sunday morning over a year ago, after my first date with the man who would become my boyfriend.   It was an honest & beautiful morning and upon reflection set the limit for our relationship.  *  It's already raining outside yet you hold my mind that's true. Foolish thoughts I've had that you're my prince yet this is tough love for I understood you have me gone crazy.  We all have demons in the dark yet why can't you tell me yours ?  Nights of anguish spent alone, torturous  moments wrapped in my mind in Neukölln, sitting perfectly still yet my mind has my room spinning, my stomach turning and my eyes full with tears.  *  I spoke with my mother recently, she ...

27-11-15 Basking thoughts in my mind  I think of only you  Yet is this place safe for me ? Safe for you in my arms, you cry.  For you know this is love  * 24-12-15 Suddenly it's real, but is it ? I'm very unsure of my feelings at the moment, I'm tricking myself into a particular feeling that, I know is there, but is it as big as my anxious mind makes it out to be ? For once, I'm very unsure of myself.  I do love him, so much, and I wish that sometimes it could be different but that wouldn't be us then, it would be something else and I don't want that.  * 27-12-15 My emotions were racing for I understood I'm madly in love.  All I wanted was him beside me, his smell to breathe in closely, his eyes so I could get lost into, his mouth & the warmth of his breath & his kiss to keep me sane, yet now a few days later I'm scared to go home, not because of him but because of me & the power I feel I've lost.  He has me madly in love, yet that's ...