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Truth Beneath Lies.

Do I love you my darling ?
Can I love you my darling or are you going to hurt me all over again ? 

"If you decide to take him back, make sure he's worth it, because you are beautiful and deserving of love"  

*
Somehow you're trying. Somehow you're managing to piece it back together, it's the first few weeks of Spring and you're grateful for the warmer weather, the blissful sunshine on your face & the scent of blossoming flowers in the air is a welcome distraction from the misery you've known of this world. 

I've been running again, twice a week in fact and I'm going to yoga too to strengthen my core & to twist my body into a relaxing pose, I also meditate to relax my mind which hopefully will help me understand the situation I've now found myself in. 

My mind is tormented by doubt & anger with every refresh I do on the Craigslist personal ads.
I'm trying to catch him out so I feel justified for the anger and hurt I hold towards him. 
I can't let it go because I know I'm living in one of his lies, yet I'm too powerless to leave his side or accept his apology. 

*
When you say you love me you love yourself, the happiness you feel with me should fill you with joy & not with doubt.

I really can't remember what clarify feels like, it's strange sometimes to think about it. 
I'm a rational person but also I'm fueled by jealous tendencies, which you have set a light 100. 

*
Grey clouds come from time to time, that's the nature of the world we live in, but seeing the silver lining isn't always as easy as the saying goes.
Control is misplaced, you lose it as quickly as the rain pours from the sky, your mind becomes rattled with questions from doubt, anger & fear, quickly numbness takes hold & before you know it you're crying into your hands wishing this entire relationship never happened.

If this was you, what would happen to us ? 

Would we plan Madrid in May & Bali in October even Italy in November ?
Would we have sweet kisses over breakfast, movies in bed on lazy Saturday afternoons, walks in the forest on relaxing Sunday's or would you run to the hills screaming my sins and bashing my name ? 

*
I kiss up, rub up & pillow on you as much as I can to pretend to myself you do love me. 
I've always been committed, standing beside you for guidance and love, taking all that you said as bible yet now I'm shattered beyond belief whilst dreaming of a better you.
I try to remember the good times yet they are all clouded in doubt now for I don't know what's reality.

Why do you deny yourself trust, honesty and unconditional love ?
Are you afraid of us, afraid of me with you ?
Why cant you let me love you, the way I want to be loved  ?

*
I've stood up, slowly at first but I have stood up. 
I've showered in thoughts of the past late at night & kept wondering why me ? 
I have wiped my tired eyes dry, tasted the salty tears that fell beneath and swallowed them just like my pride & my hatred towards you.

 My respect for you will come back, my heart will heal and my mind will quiet in time for this I believe was love at first sight. 

"It's harder to love somebody than it is to walk away"

*
You have never 
had to steal 
my breath
or take it away, 
somehow
you have always 
managed to convince me
to had it over
freely. 



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