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Control - Pt 1.

Things are hard, harder than I'd care to admit sometimes but this morning, waking up with honesty wrapped around me assured me that I'm not the only one struggling. 
So while I lay in bed, contemplating my next move, I can't help but think about today. 

I wrote this one Sunday morning over a year ago, after my first date with the man who would become my boyfriend.  
It was an honest & beautiful morning and upon reflection set the limit for our relationship. 

* 
It's already raining outside yet you hold my mind that's true. Foolish thoughts I've had that you're my prince yet this is tough love for I understood you have me gone crazy. 

We all have demons in the dark yet why can't you tell me yours ? 
Nights of anguish spent alone, torturous  moments wrapped in my mind in Neukölln, sitting perfectly still yet my mind has my room spinning, my stomach turning and my eyes full with tears. 

* 
I spoke with my mother recently, she said “Damian, why can't you let yourself be happy?” - it's a question I've been asking myself for years and if truth be told it's something I've battled with at length in therapy. 
We as people are prone to sadness, defeat & uncertainty, it's the easiest thing we can understand at times, but also the biggest thing to destroy us. 
"Son you're not that child anymore, you're dad is long gone, he can't hurt you again....please understand that”, she's a wise woman my mother. 

* 
I have a lot of faith in myself, I've spent the best part of my entire adult life up until now in therapy. 
I'm naturally a driven person but my anxiety & depressive tendencies can pull me back to square one - standing on the landing at aged 7, seeing my father hanging there, motionless...realising my entire world just crumbled. 

I'm not a masocest even if it seems that way, I want the Disney fairy tale happily ever after but I know it takes work. 
So I told my mother I'm trying to be happy and I'm telling you my lover, my only want, that I'm trying.


* 
Am I waking up to a fantasy ? 
You have me edging to a disaster for you've complicated my trust, loyalty and respect. 
Pull me close & tell me you won't before I leave. 

What does it take to remind yourself of the power you hold over you're own mind?

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