A Blue Bouquet

1 I wake up, slowly  at first I open my eyes and breathe heavily for I'm awake, alive I think, despite my attempt to end it all We can try and pretend to feel something different, some distrust some complicated fear brought on by everything negative you hold close for its easier to stay beyond grounded Take my hand and hold it tightly for joy is the sunshine basking high above our heads floating in the sky, in my mind all that we are isn't what we seem to be Beautiful time spent alone had me remembering I can do this. 2 I miss the smell of the rain fall cleansing my soul deeply rooted is the memories we've created Yet here I lay wet naked waiting for you I listen to my heart beat hoping you tear it apart Quietly I try to sleep at night but I lay awake thinking my god how is this all mine ? 3 I paint my life in black a wonderful memory of my past misfortunes I chase my dreams and turn them black fo...

1 Bathing bright lights and all I run towards the hollow empty in my feelings of joy empty in my world of wonder hollow like the tree before me unwelcoming in its demise like myself I allowed the pain to chip away * Kindred spirits we walk this earth alone in our minds heavy in our hearths welcoming with open arms  open for more of this fruitful life. 2 Crashing waves against the dark moon So proud of its height illuminating below and you holding my hand you slowly spill tears down your face for no reason simply because you love me * I've never felt it burn so bright my desire for your skin, your touch and your kiss I bask in the ideas of you demise is my glory and sadly that’s what I’ve created. 3 Lying in bed naked after sex my head on your chest honest simple romance listening to your heart beating memories in the dark I recall for demons hold us tight at night under the watchful eye of terror * Peaceful...

I've been struggling a lot with masked emotions of fear, fear that's stolen my heart & my hope.  I've explored the darkest parts of mind in fear, hoping that maybe I can figure it out, that I can make sense of everything. But still to no avail, fear wins.  *  Today I told a friend my truth The bitter truth I spoke of words only in my mind  my darkest secrets I've kept hidden  Of the life I'm destroying, ultimately sacrificing for some strange hope.  They say the purest water comes from the sky in the form of rain, falling down on our heads we run towards cover hiding in the most darkest of places to stay warm & dry but I've always believed the rain was a gift to wash away my sins somehow, like a present from above to restore the peace within myself.   * Everything is dangerous when your living on the edge, the edge of reason  beyond telling anyone your problems I slip it softly under my pillow aw...

Chasing down a wild dream  I run away from my happiness   thinking that maybe Father, it's all because of you, yet twenty years later I know better than to blame the fool who killed himself. * Bathing bright lights as the thunder draws me inwards, still I remember that feeling whilst sitting on that beach on a lonely summers evening. Do I cry sometimes ? Not nearly enough, not at all if I'm honest ~  I won't forgot the late March evening when you pulled me close and kissed me slightly, filled me hot and uneasy for you are beautiful. Fleeting feelings as therapy pulled me towards a hardened stone of self destructive thinking, yet now many months later, bathing bright lights as the rain soaked my skin on that Sunday afternoon I cried myself to sleep, wet in my bed I lay, my soaked clothes tight on my skin, reminding me of the colder moments of my life.  I'm trying to keep my head above water but somehow, something is pulling me down ~ 

Do I love you my darling ? Can I love you my darling or are you going to hurt me all over again ?  "If you decide to take him back, make sure he's worth it, because you are beautiful and deserving of love"   * Somehow you're trying. Somehow you're managing to piece it back together, it's the first few weeks of Spring and you're grateful for the warmer weather, the blissful sunshine on your face & the scent of blossoming flowers in the air is a welcome distraction from the misery you've known of this world.  I've been running again, twice a week in fact and I'm going to yoga too to strengthen my core & to twist my body into a relaxing pose, I also meditate to relax my mind which hopefully will help me understand the situation I've now found myself in.  My mind is tormented by doubt & anger with every refresh I do on the Craigslist personal ads. I'm trying to catch him out so I feel justified for the anger and h...

Things are hard, harder than I'd care to admit sometimes but this morning, waking up with honesty wrapped around me assured me that I'm not the only one struggling.  So while I lay in bed, contemplating my next move, I can't help but think about today.  I wrote this one Sunday morning over a year ago, after my first date with the man who would become my boyfriend.   It was an honest & beautiful morning and upon reflection set the limit for our relationship.  *  It's already raining outside yet you hold my mind that's true. Foolish thoughts I've had that you're my prince yet this is tough love for I understood you have me gone crazy.  We all have demons in the dark yet why can't you tell me yours ?  Nights of anguish spent alone, torturous  moments wrapped in my mind in Neukölln, sitting perfectly still yet my mind has my room spinning, my stomach turning and my eyes full with tears.  *  I spoke with my mother recently, she ...