A Blue Bouquet

“We accept the love we think we deserve”, a simple quote yet so true. * There's been a theme that's been very present in my life the past two years, those close to me know the tale and I'm sure from reading this you too have picked up the premise. It hasn't been an easy ride and it wasn't needed by no means, but I consider it part of a cycle which is broken into three parts. I remember my groin was stinging, my neck was tight and sore and the joints in my legs felt swollen, it was all part of the adolescent cycle of growing up. They say it stops during your teenage years, I don't think from the tender age of 17 I've grown much, maybe the odd inch perhaps. My face has moulded itself into my skull, my body has gained and lost weight and my hair colour came out of a box, but when these changes stop do we ever think of cycle that heightens our minds? Now a tender age of (almost) 24, I seen what's become of the finishing cycle, my spiritual path t...

There's only one thing that's constant in our life, our distorted view of reality, in every cell our body has and in every molecule we breathe in and that's change. Everything changes all the time, we can't fight it, the best we can do is roll with the punches the universe gives us and hope, well-for the best. Sometimes I wonder what it's all for. * I've been soaring so high lately, given the set backs and the lingering disappointment that's there, but surly that will clear with time right? Today for instance seems all too different, I cant help but ask myself why? The differences I'm forced to comprehend now are small changes I should have made before. I don't recall such bright days in the midst of Decembers blues yet here they are and all to clear, almost like a summers stroll in the park. Redirecting my own feelings outwards is something I'm afraid todo, cracks in our foundation seem all to clear yet you don't see, hear nor sp...

Tell me what I did wrong, tell me the truth for I know it's all your doing. Tell what I do now, tell me who are my friends, tell where I go out and tell what you've become. Moments shaken by trust and word of mouth, a winters rainfall hitting the walls. * I remember waking up every day to the comforts of home, a real home built on love and devotion. I remember making my way down to the beach, all alone yet so carefree, the thoughts that engulfed my mind of this vanished at sunrise and never came back until I hit down in Germany. I'm back to how it all started, square one in many respects, but the idealistic life was painted by a mistaken factor and that was you. I remember my spirit so high and light, they say I've changed but they need to look closer, the holiday blues aren't crumbling, my attitude has only gradually improved yet I'm not on fire or dancing to please, so please look away. Tell me what I'm doing now, tell me where I'm going to...

I wake up each morning to the emptiness of a double bed. The ideals I had placed before me didn't match the reality I was in, or the mindset but waking up in those arms made me realise a lot. I do miss him even though it was brief. * Novembers chill has me as cold as Decembers blues, but unlike before the silver lining is baffling for I'm not sure what or if there is one. The cold is seeping into my bones which slowly travels to my heart, unlike before I'm fighting for it, fighting for me because at the end of the day no one will and as I've casually seen, people only think of themselves, which makes me think of the trust that's been broken down so many times before. The struggles for power here aren't unnoticed, yet I still don't know if it's all in my head, I question it and ask myself a thousand times a day but still I'm struggling to find an answer. I'm assuming he likes this, the stares over the dimmed lights, the friendly nod un...

We've all got entwined memories of that blossomed past, in some cases in many parts and in many places too, but how do we cope with the cracked foundations we stand on when there's two worlds in which love blossomed and only one place we actually dealt with it, that was my problem. * The only way I seen it happening was by taking that trip south, to another home and my other life that crumbled just as quick as this one grew. I woke up in a hazy dream for my eyes couldn't understand the reality I was in, I was sitting on a sofa having a cigarette under the beating Australian sun, I made it home after three long years, after all the struggling and sacrificing I made it and I couldn't have been happier. But the memories of pasts love was still there, inside my room and at my door step, in the mention of his name and on the sights our eyes once seen. To say I broke down, cried and crumbled at my feet is a lie but that's the reason I went alone this time with n...

Everything that once bloomed now slowly turned to ash, you set it a light for you couldn't cope, you set it a light for you knew the pain it would bring and the hurt that carried on. Who decides when it's right to feel, to act on dead hearts? * My problem is the fact I haven't, nor did I push myself enough to make me do it, the simple act of love now a glimmering shadow in my hopefully world. It's hard to adjust to sudden shock but when your body's in survival mode how do you cope? When your world is upside down and there's nobody to trust, how do you cope? Simple questions I've asked myself once before, yet I feel there coming up again. The motions which carry us down this steam of unknown have slowly plagued my mind with doubt, my uncertain future remains an unsettling mystery to me as to why, what, when and where, simple questions that I can't bare. It's needed more then you know, my time alone, away from me and from what I call home. ...

The calm before the storm is always so intriguing, haunting, illusional and as stated quite calm, but what happens when the storm has passed and we as people slowly start to return to normal is what has me in its grasp. * Gone are the days of endless E's and nights out, not saving a penny for a rainy day and not saving at all, living in a bubble so consumed with an illusion of the dream, yet so far off anything anyone would have wanted for me, the times around us have changed and quite like the people in it. I only remember the good of the past which is my downfall in the present, the simple fact that I'm not a teenager anymore sitting waiting on a text scares me, I'm a adult now and this is real life. while I slept last night wrapped in your arms it didn't phase me, I didn't think about it but when we spoke of the labels that come with the territory I slowly began to sink. My mind can be as fickle as my heart right now, simple changes that would structure s...

One day you will wake up and see whats become of your life, just as I have. You will have a different reality to me but I'm sure the ideals in which you try to paint your life will be the same, but when you realise it's not what you thought will you try with all your power to restructure it? * It fell apart, my trust was tested as my friends stood up against a wall and pointed there finger at me. Everyone spoke of it but I stayed silent for my words wouldn't be heard, my white flag waving wasn't noticed for their angry red filled eyes couldn't understand it's neutrality. I'm slowly building the trust back up, one at a time while everything crumbles yet again, my shoulder is there just as theirs was for mine once upon a time. * I've become immune to my medicine, the antidote that I thought would save me cursed me, the life I lead has no substance compared to the previous, yet while standing in my kitchen looking down on my teary soaked hands I ...

I think it's time to look outside your soul and see all what's become of your life, it may shock you, scare you and might hate yourself for what's become but the only way to improve yourself is to remind yourself of the past and take each step with a deep breath for tomorrow is all you have poor child. * It's a bitter pill to swallow, even at the best of times, but crumbling in my kitchen and accepting the fact I need help was more then I could handle. It was taken from me as quick as I received it, all that blossomed inside the sweet dream is now a tiny fabricated lie on my reality. A constant reminder of everything I wanted and wished for, the simple life I crave is something I wish I didn't. It hurts the most when I recall it, but I can't help but smile at your cheeky face, the simple expression is all I need to fall back, take back everything I've built and everything I've worked hard for, for one more chance. I've made a little nest ou...

I have to ask, when troubles arise and somehow they fix themselves and everything seem's for the most part okay, but then the troubles arise again but this time the conflict isn't your fight but somehow your the causality, is it right to question all that was before, even before the fight ? * My simple life shaken to its core, the ever changing current has washed me out to sea. I'm slowly staying afloat but I don't know how, the time gone by I cant recall for time is nothing but a passing moment made up of lie's. Sitting in the wide ocean I've come to think about all that was said before we took off, simple words even those close wouldn't say, salt to the wounds for they are deeper then you may have thought.  Its hard to sit here and pretend I can swim, I'm mealy floating because of those around me, those who are holding out for hope, I have to pretend to survive. My waiting game will take ...

We all keep records, those of us who have sense keep everything important stored safely away.  Out of sight from those who want it and out of sight for our own good, because sometimes what we have stored away could destroy everything we hold dear. Regardless of its importance. * I recently found my old journals, the journals in which I poured my adolesent  heart into. Its quite funny how the tales have changed with the times, but how the hope I use to hold out for was there, somehow I had it, I had it all held so tightly that everything I wanted came to me so freely, but with greed I lost it all. * Its funny how time goes by, just like before I'm left an adolescent holding out for a hope that I don't know if I can bear at this point.  The simple tales of the past are repeated in the present but with such an intensity it shatters the hope in which the believer see's life. Its not 2005 again, I'm not stuck at a cross roads...

When we get ahead of ourselves, can we ever stay calm and relax the mind even if the body's going at such a speed we can't recoup? * I feel like I've been on over drive lately, or more correctly, just living once more. It was only small but monumental for those few, it's that connection we all hold out for, and just as we seen, it's not gone. A family is what I call you, yet I know it's the same. Battered souls is something we are not, yet this time taken has ultimately pushed me so far past the boundaries I would hold up so high. It's about time my reality got a rude awaking and spun back the power that was once taken from my fragile hands. * Simple tears run down you face while you sit back and think, that water filled bathtub won't wash away your sins child, step out of misery for once you stand you'll be dry.

Can we really put our hands up and say who's there? Can we really capture all of life's little moments with those few and truly remember? Can we stand up for those who stand next to us? Simple questions but so few have the answers. * You once said we need each other, in many respects we do but when does it become more then what we need and less of what were accustom too. I've noticed in my hour of need who's there, regardless of the simple steps taken to deliver such an example, but it's truly opened my eyes to the people around and the cracks I must repair, the distance that stands between us shouldn't be a reminder of the differences we have. * To those few, it said to get out of those cubic walls, see life at a different angle and soak up all the inspiration you can get - for better want of words. This had been needed more then you know, not a escaping door way but an entrance into the start of the end, for the most part. Rest up those legs brave...

They say its your life, that we choose the decisions that really impact our reality and shape it to what its become, but if some day, we seen everything with cleared vision and regret what's become of our blossomed present, can we really rewind and capture all that we've lost from our forgetful past? * I've stayed firmly placed on the ground, I haven't let me head swell with an anxious tendency, I haven't packed up everything and ran away nor have I sat alone and cried. Its been a rude awaking of what my reality is and I wouldn't change it for the world. I've seen it fall apart once before, in many shapes and forms its all collapsed, from nothing I built it back up to see it all go ablaze in a thick smoke, but not this time. There's something that binds us as people, its not as thick as blood but not as diluted as water, its that connection we have regardless of the time spent, its just as special to each who hold it inside. Sim...

It shapes the course of your life, clouds your mind in doubt and can without knowing it, cause such a ripple effect it can be heard and felt miles from where you stand. Yes the decisions on which you paint your life do change the course and the dynamic in which you see reality, but also those around you. * Lately I've noticed my eye sight shift towards the past. What was once something so daunting and for me, mindlessly boring is something I'm now considering only brought on by the facts my friend has told me. Have we noticed the years slip threw our hands, noticed that time has gone by so quick and yet still nothing major has changed. I've learnt all that I can awaiting life's destiny, but when does it become my time to a achieve something I never thought I would? Silly facts go by with the wind, tales of glory and tales demise brush of my cheek, but when the rain falls upon my head I'm still the same. I can right my wrongs, but I've learnt from them...

The smoke leaves my lungs and fogs my room just like my mind in a grey cloud, for all I'm doing is making the air heavy, making the air as heavy as I can for I bathe in grey clouds, the slight glimmer of darkness is all I need to elope to the Damian only one of you know. * We talked about this, I couldn't do it and I wouldn't dare shatter the future were all craving. They say it happens more so by those victimised, yet I can tell you it takes a lot to bring us down or more importantly me. It's crumbled at my feet before, all I had was the clothes on my back and a confused expression that won't leave my slender face. * There comes a time when we, as adults make a stand and admit our mistakes, he couldn't and he chose the darkest of springs in which to drown his problems. Yes I'm blood, and statics are somewhat right otherwise the foundation they stand on is lies, but my battles are on going. It's an every day challenge to get out of bed and r...

It can happen at any time, more then ever it's spontaneous and occurs totally out of the blue, but when it does happen you loose everything. Everything you've been working on and everything you've built can come crumbling down. Sooner or later it will happen to you, but for different reasons and once again, totally out of the blue. * Alone you sit, forcing a smile on your face wishing everyone would go away and leave you alone. The pace you feel inside yourself is nothing compared to the noise. Those black walls screaming misery aren't they oh so welcoming, upon your fragile heart sits basking in the grey clouds, so many, yet so few with the escaping lining you really crave. * The recaptured light of home is what holds us together, it's what we know and ultimately who we are. Dance away those blues with me, laugh at those old days spent in the country side, sitting on the green drinking in the summer sun and look forward to the endless years that we know...

There comes a time when we have to take control, move away from the past and embrace the present, for all it's worth it's our only chance sometimes. * It's been too long since the comfortable sensation was ticking away in my mind, but that's only brought on by the changing dynamics around me. What was once a life made by those around me is now a life unearthed by sheer will power and the determination to change that of the past, to disassemble a life as possible. * I can't understand why I do it sometimes, still to this day I think back, look back even at those old photos of love and question the ash and the smell of sut that now covers those once precious photos. I remember it all like a dream, memories are now shaken by the truth they stand on for my optimistic memory remembers everything in a lighter mood. * A beautiful stranger is what you are, now while the smoke settles I can see, I'm dancing alone at my therapists, aged 6. Take care in tho...

It's true what they say, it's like loosing a member of your family and even harder at times. The first person who outside of your family you share your whole life with and more, it's hard to adjust to a sudden death but when they still live in a world your no longer welcome in, death sounds promising. * It happens to all of us at one time or another, a simple break up. I recall everything from all my break ups yet somehow this longing for something more powerful and fulfilling still has me in its grips. Its not like before, my heart is settled in the comforts of home, the comforts I've found in my solitude and I'm happy for the most part. I love everything I've built since, everything I've gained and everything I've lost, just like before there's another I try to admire still, yet that love no longer presides inside my heart too. * I remember the day well, I took the tram to Gleneg, it was a beautiful day with the temperature reaching ...

We may know the demons in our head well, but only when someone tells you what your doing to yourself does it really become reality. * As I walk down Dorset street, alone and almost saddened by the strings my heart is pulling at can I see what I'm doing, can I see the war in really waging with myself. It took someone to really sink it into my head and make me see all that's become of me, the mistakes I'm making out of sheer doubt that's been handed down by the past. It's controlling my life in more ways then one, it's upsetting the natural balance I live on, decisions I make on life and ultimately everything I think. * My blues are harder to control at times yet I look towards the light of day and that silver lining on those grey clouds, I think it's about time you took some advice and followed in my foot steps dear friend.

It's slowly making sense now, the curse that was inflicted by the time I took to resolve the battles in my mind now leave me with cold feet. It's a bitter fight to fight, it's craving that of the past yet I'm unable to settle for the touch of the present. I can't escape the terrible clutches the past holds over me, a broken connection has me in its grip and I don't know what todo to shake myself free. Emotions are pouring out at the thought, the idea seems oh too sweet yet I can't handle the aftermath, that feeling of dread, that feeling of shame and that feeling of emptiness. The resolution is being kept, take it day by day she told me, never have I received better advice. * "One more night, that was a good one, one more night, I dreamed it was a good one".

Part one. Everything I've done has been a contradiction to what I've always stood for. Is it wrong I've waged this war, this eternal battle of love and life, past and present, hopes and dreams? Its the only thing keeping my mind at ease sometimes, it slowly takes my mind away on a trip I so vividly can't picture, it takes me to a place of such calm and such sense yet the aftermath of written words only drown out the sorrow for some time. Part two. There's a lot that could factor the thoughts of my mind, coming home to an empty house, coming down from the pills I've taken or being tired and frustrated at life, but all these combined don't structure the thoughts that dwell there. It's been on my mind for quite some time now, and I can't help but keep my mind racing at the thought of such an exchange. Part three. I think we all do, at some stage or another, question the figures of the past in the light of the present for some sort of closur...

The only problem with going to bed is the fact I've to wake up in the morning and face my demons all over again. * They say time heals all, but left alone for the most past of over a year has truly helped in healing this poor souls heart, it's taken a long time and despite the memories I cling on to I am truly over the shadow of my former life, one where I wasn't living, one where I waged a war between two over a life one simply never had and one, one simply thought would be his. It's a sad tale for two that coffee was never poured whilst sitting in the somewhat sun filled cafe, that the email still goes unanswered and that we both don't know what's going on nor do we care. I am living. * Whist in a small state I've come to understand what's holding me back from gabbing life by the balls and enjoying its true splendour. I understand the problems I face, but how to achieve a state of calm will take time. The memories have been so burnt into my...

We all have those moments, us battered souls more so then others. Joyous occasions often bring about the dark side of the cloud, it forms itself in the shape of our anxiety or our bouts of depression or for some it's the universe dragging up the shadows of a past figure you simply can't escape from. * A bitter exchange made me rethink my actions on the life I'm having and made me rethink the motions in which I set this life a sail. My water once choppy and dark now a clear blue marine in which this artful souls see his life, yet I can't help but let myself really go and enjoy the crystal clear marine or the clear blue skies, could it be that I'm not ready to truly let go of the past and not question the actions of which my present is formed? * Looking at it now after a good nights sleep I can see the fractures the hold everything together, doubt has always been my achilles heel despite my strength it always wins over the body, but it's time to slowly ...

The fabric of reality and time is something that we think is indefinite, but when it comes to ourselves can we really limit the time or can we as people really believe that one day we will achieve all that we want? * Everyone goes through the motions sometimes, the tales that rip apart the love that blossomed by sheer mistake or maybe by sheer faith who knows for that love is no sitting across from you in the coffee shop, that love is no longer curled up in your bed at night and sadly that love is no longer someone you love. I've caught up with the reality I'm in lately and the factors that have brought me here. When I look back on the journey I'm not left cold hearted or annoyed I'm just left stunned that it's taken me this long to understand it and grasp the ideas of real life. I can't help but look in admiration at those close to me for there making there own reality, taking real time and courage todo so, there somewhat of a figure I admire sometimes...

When we look out do we really see the life's of those around us, or only see the numbness of modern day society. * I often wonder about the tales of those life's we don't know. The people who pass us by on the street, what could they be hiding behind there smile, there well put together outfits and there somewhat flawless make up ? Everybody hides something, no one is perfect, there is no such thing as perfect or normal, simple words we wish we didn't know sometimes. Behind my smile I hide the life I've lead. As a child I witnessed my father committing suicide, soon after my home burnt down, us penniless people were homeless and holding out for hope that never came. I had the clothes on my back and nothing else, yet with the strength of my mother with who I credit each day, we made it, we bet the statistics and achieved something out of our lives. That night holds the key to my slight depression and anxiety, something I'm learning to deal with every ...

It's always there, the idea that we will eventually get there, the idea that we will receive our just deserts and the idea that all that we are is just what we have done. We all feel the pressure of the daily grind bearing down on our shoulders, we all think about tomorrow with such enthusiasm and such light, but when we think of the future do we ever really plan for it like we do for the tomorrow's? It's been on my mind for a long time now, the idea that one day I'll be something better then what I am today, yet the idea of such actions to receive my just deserts aren't so sweet. That dark cloud that's always there slowly starts to loom when I think of reaching out of my comfort zone, I can only see the failure I assume I am, not that of the greatness I can achieve. * Lighter words from friends help in believing the dreams we all have, the idea that one day we can all relax and be where we want to be even if we've been beaten down, teased and misund...

We all go through at it at some stage or another, we all feel the weight of the night sky fall down upon on weakened shoulder's, making us rethink our actions, our words and even ourselves. It's a bitter sweet reality but sometimes we all need a break from the reality we know, even if it's not what we want. It's pushing on two months now, the bittersweet taste of home only reminded me of the positive factors I have in my life and sadly the one that almost got destroyed. It's been a hard struggle to stay up lately, the big D has been waging a slight war inside my head regarding the factors we've been missing, the factors we choose to ignore and the factors that ultimately brought us here. The isolation has been bleak but I've seen the light just as before, with every dark cloud there's a silver lining even if by default. We've been here before dear friend but not on such a scale, the memories we share are only too fondly missing by this soul, ...

I remember the breeze was cooling us down from the scorching sun above. Our feet ached because of the walk we done, yet our minds raced at the possibilities around us. It was my time to discover, my time to rest and ultimately my time to get away from it all. Everything slowly started to fall sort back home, the relationship with my family took a nose dive, trouble appeared in all shapes and forms and I couldn't manage the pressure, the feeling of failure and the sheer defeat in the process of guidance. It took me quite some time to build up the courage to actually slowly plan my escape, but I did. The months leading up to my departure were great, it almost seemed that life had slowly slotted itself back into place and an even better one at that- but the fragmented memories I have only tell the good times for we choose to ignore the bad. It wasn't a fairy tale, it was once love. Love the blossomed under the tall grass and under those duvets, the plastic card that h...