A Blue Bouquet

You should be gone beast, you should be long gone by now, after months of therapy you still tick on by. Without a flinch you creep up on me, derailing my hope & easy way to life, my hopelessly romantic attitude & my determination to fix this awful place.  I just need a little more time, I just need a little more heart, I just need a little something from you (yet I can't lean on this, I can't hope for this, I can only try).  * If truth be told I've had a lot of trouble writing this somewhat final ( for now ) piece.  Everything has changed for them, they see a different picture I've painted yet my friends call it me. A good friend told me that she was upset by the attitude I once came home with after some months of living in Berlin, and if truth be told upon reflection she was right.  * He told me he didn't want to love me. He told me he didn't want to have me as a boyfriend. He told me he didn't care about me, he (I suspect) was lying to himself. We ...

Truth;  Noun //         - The quality or state of being true.          - That which is true or in accordance                        with fact or reality.          - A fact of belief that is accepted as true. Can you put your hand up and say your truthful to yourself ?  Can you open your mind up and allow yourself the honesty that you need to understand what's wrong? understand that your main priority is you, you alone and no one else ?  Has that thought come into your mind yet, if it hasn't & your surrounded with the notion that you're in the wrong, stop breathe & take a step back, look around you - are you your main concern ?  *  I, for a long time struggled with being my main concern, ultimately when I decided to rearrange my priorities (call it "being selfish" if you want) people started getting ridiculously personal about ...

To be in love; suffering with the repercussions of the past, understanding my last relationship, dealing with my family, dealing with myself in therapy - understanding the "reality" I find myself in,  is almost detrimental to the health of the relationship I now find myself in, yet how does one embrace it all when your so consumed in the past & so fearful of the future ?  I crave for a life in light, a happy life that my therapist thinks looks similar to a Disney production, but what will it take to let it all go....I've just realised, I'm the one holding this pain, I'm the one who's afraid to let it go, I'm the masicast  derailing my life.  (They will never listen to me, they will never understand, but better to open up and share at least to some extent, for understanding).  Sad how you're all so weak.  Compassion by sharing results is less prejudge, less ignorance to mental health and more understanding resulting in a real difference.  * (Open yo...

Lately I've been questioning what am I doing, a general question but a question with regards to everything at the moment - Living in Berlin, my career, my love life or issues that come from it, my past and my lack of intuitive self awareness  (confidence even) when it comes to myself -  It seems lately to have crashed down around me and I'm really struggling with all these things - I'm a proud man, more proud then people know & seeming weak is not in my nature, yet in retrospect that is whats caused this - my  determination to be blind coupled with my lack of courage.  * I am not one dimensional, as much as I would like to be sometimes, I regret to say that I'm not - like everyone, I'm complex way more then I care to admit yet my failures are seeming strong.  * It's a Saturday night, I've got some candles lit and I'm slowly sinking into my pit of despair.  I allow myself to stay down, I activity push myself down because it's comforting, it's ...

January is a hard month both financially and emotionally, it's the month of hibernation, penny counting and sheer boredom, after the excitement of christmas the bitter realisation that winter is here has set into our minds and the only thing to look forward to is spring and the sweet scent  of health.  * Honestly I have no reason to feel this way, yet sometimes no reason is reason enough.  Maybe it's the fact that it's January or maybe the fact I've slowed down enough to contemplate things; the career I've been told I'm not going to have, the realisation that my independent mind is a curse more than a blessing or maybe I'm addressing the fact that it's hard sometimes, no commitment only to yourself. A series of questions I can't seem to address.  *  I wrote this three years ago;  "Society has placed an image within everyone's head of the ideal person or what our lives should look like, we should go to college, master our minds by social conf...