A Blue Bouquet

As I endlessly searched the streets to find his address I thought "what are you doing? you can bail now, no one will know, it's fine, do it", but I didn't. I sought out his apartment only promising myself not to sleep with him, only enjoy the company for we know full well what we are. While we sat there chatting over the dialogue in the movie I couldn't help but feel powerless...so I drank. We polished of a bottle of white quickly enough, then before long we moved on to the rose. As the sweetness of the wine hit my lips and taste buds I could only think of the past romances we had. While chatting I got up and walked to the window to finish my cigarette, all I could think was what's going to happen, will anything happen? Laugher filled the room when the twist reviled itself in the movie. All these questions, I fell as though I'm punishing myself with, I needed to relax and enjoy what this was or in fact what this is, a night in with an ex and a b...

Sometimes when the sun is shining and I'm alone sitting in the shade reading a book, quietly smoking a cigarette I miss his presence in my life. For on that sunny day we would picnic in the tall grass that would hide our shameless acts of passion and love. I miss the taste of his lips pressed against mine, I miss his touch and his body, I miss the smell of his home and the clutter of his bedroom, most of all I miss him. Those days are hard for they hold such memories. We only had snow for a brief moment, while tucked away on the sofa an open fire heating the room in which we sat tucked into each others bones, quietly we kissed embracing our love. Now shattered I am, holding these memories close to my heart for I feel I may never have them again. I know I will never have them again with you, for you hold the key to my happiness, but now while the days and months pass so quickly I can hardy comprehend anyone getting close to me or vice versa. Your all I want my love. ...

Has it been this easy to really forget? Now that time has taken its toll I feel as though I'm okay for the most part anyway. I've taken a new lease to life one I begrudged my friends for doing once upon a time, one I so dismissively talked about for I seen such states they would end up in, but now I'm one of them. I keen user in a pure relaxant and a pure escape for some number of hours. I've never known its full advantage until my world came crumbling down. I remember the morning that followed, I broke down crying in front of those superiors. My co's quickly seen and the gossip slowly following. I stayed despite my wanting to hide under the covers of my bed, I came in everyday with a smile on my face, hiding the pain and embarrassment I felt the desperation in knowing I wanted him back. Its taken me a long time to adjust to this life and if truth be told I'm still not there for the most part. Its been a real struggle especially in those dark Decemb...

It's almost 8months now, my unborn child is almost here ready to thrive in a world of pure unknown. I'm excited to have this child. She has been conceived by a bitter heartache and a horrible path of self discovery, one in which her carriage was discovered by the trials and tribulations of life, expanding his minds state and pushing the realms of his reality and caring for only one. Things are better, alot better then before, I want this child to come because now I know it's place in the world now. Learn, strive, believe, achieve and travel will be it's god mother, directing her to be better each day, pushing for possibilities and believing in the world you create. Despite welcoming her alone I will be shocked to see it's part creator. The one who helped this child from the get go, pushing it's carriage down the road, causing this reflection of time and memories. Soon she will be here, soon they will really see what has become of him, the mother and t...

"Do you remember that night in New York, with the bouncer screaming at us to keep quite because of the neighbours? that was such a fun night out", we both laughed at those good times. "How're you?" she asked, "I'm good, really good thanks" I said. It was strange to see a friend of yours even for a brief moment, but it felt nice to know that the awkwardness has passed with some. It was nice to talk so easily about New York and the time I spent there, quietly thinking to myself about you and me then and you and me now, nowhere even close to civil. 52 days ago there was a chance encounter by sheer twisted faith. I always liked him, his free spirit and his ability not to care to much and live life to its fullest. I didn't think we'd chat but we did, just a quick chat about the present and the plans we both have. Not daring to mention the names of the past, even though I really wanted to ask. You name just sat at the tip on my tongue,...

I refuse to look at it, I refuse to even acknowledge it's there sitting in the back of my mind and out there for all to see. Before I left I was captive in chains held up by myself, refusing to live and enjoy my life, refusing to be happy because I always felt I couldn't be. It was right to be happy in this state-I had to drag myself down to feel it, to really let it sink in but that's one aspect of the shattered mind I have. * I named it the "piss and sniff" bush. We would hit it together while I enjoyed the escape the drugs fuelled me. Pure ecstasy I felt while the sweetness hit my throat after I shot it up my nose. The effect was deadly, I couldn't stop moving for days on end, I couldn't sleep or even think of food, my belly was consumed with alcohol and the effect of drugs didn't fuel the fat bitch that hides inside me. It was truly an amazing weekend with a bunch of absolutely amazing people. Now, days later that high I was on I...

One of my oldest friends stayed over last night, we smoked a lot of weed while the summer sun set down in the still blue sky,we started to remember  past holidays we've been on together. I recall running around a pier and jumping of into the cold ocean together, I remember sun bating on the beautiful beach and enjoy a few mid afternoon drinks at the pub, walking along the cliff at night to make it home in time, it was all carefree fun, those summer's were great. We both miss those summer's before life slowly started to take hold. Now its all about night's out, work, college, money and boyfriends. We told each other filthy things last night, things we would only do to our lover's. It brought us closer I think, me and my friend know the bones of each other so there was no weirdness in such graphic stories. As I told mine I remember the good times, that one time in Cairns, that time in Paris and in New York, I remember my knees were so sore from the slightly sl...

I cant help but look back on days past. Day 1; We met at the Annie Mac gig in twisted pepper, me and my friends made fun of you for your outfit of choice (red skinny jeans and a black checked shirt), we seen each other smiled and eskimo kissed, my stomach went into instant knots with excitement and nervousness, w e kissed a lot that night. Day 238; I remember sitting on a seat in Adelaide international airport watching the strangers coming out of customs while awaiting your arrival. My friend Emilee pointed you out I stood up and once again my stomach went into instant knots with excitement and nervousness but still I ran towards you with smile on my face. You arrived, you cleared customs and made it, made it this far to me, it must have been love. We went to E.T.C and had sweet delicious blueberry pancakes, you were so disorientated and confused. Then we went to our apartment while unpacking we put up our Christmas tree then made real love, i t was amazing....

I can feel the water shift from right under my feet. I can feel and see the new ties being made, there strong and moving quickly almost so to tie the knots harder and make them heavier in a sense. I didn't think I'd miss it so much but I guess it's a love story where we each need each other, the company of a great friend I will always have I'm sure of that much, but a love story were it started with bitterness but ends a joyous act of pleasure for them both is something I no longer pray for. Come home safe my darling. Friendships help us hide from one another and ourselves at the best of times. I spoke recently to a dear friend of mine she said "come back please" and the idea of being welcomed into an already settled environment seems only to sweet, I would love in fact to go and see that world once more but this time stay. The loneliness is inflected by the lack of news, the lack of energy and the lack of trying by both. I will try now and if noth...