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Twisted faith.

"Do you remember that night in New York, with the bouncer screaming at us to keep quite because of the neighbours? that was such a fun night out", we both laughed at those good times.

"How're you?" she asked, "I'm good, really good thanks" I said.
It was strange to see a friend of yours even for a brief moment, but it felt nice to know that the awkwardness has passed with some.
It was nice to talk so easily about New York and the time I spent there, quietly thinking to myself about you and me then and you and me now, nowhere even close to civil.

52 days ago there was a chance encounter by sheer twisted faith.
I always liked him, his free spirit and his ability not to care to much and live life to its fullest.
I didn't think we'd chat but we did, just a quick chat about the present and the plans we both have.
Not daring to mention the names of the past, even though I really wanted to ask.
You name just sat at the tip on my tongue, I so desperately wanted to ask all those questions but I couldn't bring myself to, I didn't want to inflict that awkwardness on him and I didn't want to know the answer's to my questions.

If I ask your real and your still in my life.
Your ghost still haunts me somehow, not pushed out of my mind due to the lack of sight.

I keep thinking about it, I keep refreshing my tab's in the hope your email address will come up with a reply so nicely put as my message but with a reply with such kind words and kind feelings as I sent in mine.

But now, I'm starting not to care once more, it hurts to be ignored and  it hurts to question.
I feel my pigeon died a long time ago, my pigeon of hope somewhere lost in the realms of past and present, reality and hope, soaked to the skin in disbelief and confusion.

Despite all of this I'm happy, I need this I know I do.
To settle would have been a mistake, I can say that now but it still hurts.

I made a promise at new year's in the state I was in, I'm holding up to it and I'm happy.
I need it sometimes, I need to live this wild life every now and again, there's no honey going my way.
There's no one to chase and I'm happy for that, I'm happy to be alone dancing in the field to the music in my head.

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