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I'll keep that high.

I refuse to look at it, I refuse to even acknowledge it's there sitting in the back of my mind and out there for all to see.

Before I left I was captive in chains held up by myself, refusing to live and enjoy my life, refusing to be happy because I always felt I couldn't be.
It was right to be happy in this state-I had to drag myself down to feel it, to really let it sink in but that's one aspect of the shattered mind I have.

*
I named it the "piss and sniff" bush.
We would hit it together while I enjoyed the escape the drugs fuelled me.
Pure ecstasy I felt while the sweetness hit my throat after I shot it up my nose.
The effect was deadly, I couldn't stop moving for days on end, I couldn't sleep or even think of food, my belly was consumed with alcohol and the effect of drugs didn't fuel the fat bitch that hides inside me.
It was truly an amazing weekend with a bunch of absolutely amazing people.

Now, days later that high I was on I'm holding onto, I refuse to let it go even while I come down.
I can't float back to normality, back to the routine and the punishment I inflected on myself.

I've come back with a different out look on the daily life I lead, a different whit and a different view of myself.

I only wish the "piss and sniff" bush was a daily occurrence for it would keep me dancing and keep the big D away, but that's the fun of a holiday, it's an escape in which we thrive as someone new.

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