A Blue Bouquet

Sometimes I think what's important in life. I question the possibilities we as people thrive upon, the ideal values we should have +, I suppose this is trivial but I question how to have fulfilment + what that means + how to get it. As we change daily our wants + needs change, but my question to you is, do you have a timer set for fulfilment? + if that desire changes how do you react or are you quick enough to bring it home, embrace it + go with it?  (I question a lot, as I'm sure most of you know by now,  but I'm as much mysterious as I am honest, my questions come from a broken home + a confused soul as I've no idea what I'm doing half of the time).  *  Perhaps it's the fact that Christmas is upon us + with that a new year; more so a new you as they say + I've been slowly pondering the idea of myself throughout the years over my mind lately + what it means to be happy, ambitious + open to love, which leads me to the question of fulfilment in my...

Lately I've been on a somewhat roll, not the good kind now just to clarify! More procrastinating than  optimising, more fear + doubt then giggling + sing song, more self centred questions based upon happiness then anyone would care to admit, but I guess my question is; when after such an traumatic incident do you seek help? When you've alienated your friends until they're blue in the face, do you give it a second thought or continue on your path of self soul searching?   I've always been one for talking yet while I wait I truly hope this will help, this psychotherapy session I've decided to book in for.  *  What you think becomes you, what you action places you in the direct line + sadly what you seem to be seems unjust to what your potential is. When you put it down to chance encounters (extremely rare ones at that) your actions + thought process seem to divulge into the emptiness that once was full, full of life + hope, you seem undeserving of affection, simple pl...

When we think back to yester years, remembering those baby faced pre adults we once were, living in a bubble of pure hype & excitement, experiencing life as it happened and never looking back for our future seemed so close; well, now granted it's been six years, I'm well into my mid-twenties and when I look back on life I honestly can't help but wonder; how did we manage it all?  *  I've been happy, sad, excited and nervous even envious at times, not to mention remorseful and to a certain extent embarrassed of how things have shaped my brittle world. I look back to a time when life seemed so clear, so understanding & be it a positive or a  negative; I knew which was which + how to achieve the positive even in a negative situation but now as I approach the midst of (mid twenty soul searching) questions I simply can't look back for the two people seem entirely disconnected.  * Ask yourself, can I put my arm in the air and say I've  changed for the better? ...

As I stood there under the hot water, allowing it to pour down my back and allowing it to slowly burn my skin, I got thinking; how often do we confuse misplaced feelings and to what end do we act on it?  When all we have is ourselves, can we get swept away without the great anchor of friends and can we activity trace back and crumble our memories in the hope of crumbling ourselves?  Soon after I wiped the tears from my eyes for I could see the confusion I was living in.  * I'm a firm believer in the teachings and practices of mindfulness, a simple ten minute exercise that extremely quiets the mind, restores all the balance and takes you out of the black and into the grey, but when the only personal time you get is in the shower you can easily become displaced in reality and loose your step.  It's all happened before I'm sure, to everyone at some point, simple feelings of comfort get crossed with confused emotions and ambitions, the lesser of dreams you hold crumble a...

When a chance at a different choice is available, do you really give it all you've got, accept the twisted faith by shattered believers, stand there and question it yourself or buckle up and listen when your faced with nothing but illusions? * My decision has been pretty stern since I promised myself I wouldn't slip, yet my pity, self profaned consciousness and sheer moral duty to my family have me at a questionable level of sheer challenged paths. Things aren't as fancily painted as one would hope from a suicide, yet close to 15 years later the only one on a questionable path is me. Deciding how to decorate the empty pictures above the fire place with only hope that I can fill them myself one day, for the family has grown and the unknown faces are high, yet how can you empty your feelings and trust someone again after such an ordeal and forgive the blood he came from when they shun themselves from you too? * Questionable paths have been extremely high lately, my de...

Attainable aspirations are only achievable when your stood perfectly still and living in the moment, you have to be clearly focused at one particular outcome and the timing has to be perfect. Ironically everything suddenly falls silent in your head, the demons that wreak havoc in your mind are banished without a thought, second chances are non existent and the surprise you get is the one thing that scares you the most. * I once wrote about a summers day perched upon some white picket fences, enjoying an ice cream and feeling the cool air brush through my hair, feeling the embrace of another and a slight pull on love. Now a good few years later I've settled my mind back on the ground and have opened up to the possibility of it, yet for who it is a mystery to me but when you feel a connection so strong, sometimes it's better to wear it on our your sleeve, embrace the change and follow your gut instinct, for who better but you to change the way you feel. * It still hasn'...

They say to live a healthy life we need to live our life within the confines of balance, break everything down and categorise what's more important to each of our own wants, needs and hopes. Sometimes the balance within our life becomes distorted, our view on reality is shifted to another as it takes priority but most likely, within a few short weeks we will find ourselves again staring at the picture board, wondering how on earth we got here. * We can say we choose what we feel, we can pretend all day long to take it all in and enjoy it, but when our moral compass steers us in a different direction, can we really stop and think of the freedom we don't have. I'm completely torn about my life right now. I feel a compelling compassion towards the past yet I know it's not good enough. My present is soaked in clouded emotions; struggles for power and desperate battles over self worth only drag me down. My plans for the future are uncertain yet seemingly unattainable...

They say these are the best years of our lives, when we grow into the person we will slightly become, our morals will be tested in the ever changing world and we will strive only by social conformity to be something were not, unless we find a way to really understand ourselves and the actions we place upon our lives. Our friendships will be tested as time goes on, our circles will change dramatically we will find the person looking back at us in the mirror will be nothing like what we thought, yes these most certainly  are the best years of our lives. I have friends who are happily married, friends who are engaged, friends with mortgages and friends who rent, friends who are loosing their jobs and friends who love their jobs, friends who are so close who understand my mind state and then friends who are psychopaths who don't. Its funny when we look at the circles we are accompanied to ...

It happens to everyone at some point, even those people who are so positive, who one may think that their sky isn't filled with grey clouds, but it is and it does most certainly happen, some people like to call it a break down or a mid-life crisis but I prefer to think of it as, a pure dissolution of self existence. Only manageable by self expression and positive thinking, weighting in the highs and lows of said self, managed by friends and family alike, only in the hope that one does pull through. * I remember nothing seemed clear or just, simple daily tasks seemed undeserving of my time and my full attention. The people close to me slowly started to speak ever slow quietly for they knew something was up, they backed off because I was shutting myself off with an unemotional pass of remembrance. Its funny but its true, I would stay in bed all day, barely leave the house for anything other then my job and even at tha...

There's a song I have on my Ipod that brings me back to say, Paris circa two thousand and three. That was the time when we pushed the boundaries and the inner questions slowly started to revel themselves, but this isn't about that. When the inevitable is in sight and your experiencing your first real love experience, can you quickly forgot all that was before, and remember the person you once where ? * The breakdown of self is a true testament to a love we as people thrive on, that's a somewhat fact, but when we breakdown to such a point of misery, that when we look in the mirror we see no flaws, only clouded emotions brought on by a slight bitter flare, have we gone to far ? Its been going around the past year or so, a true self deprecating emotion only brought on by the other half's, yet while we feel trapped, can we take a stand and remember what we once seen in amongst the partial shit storm ...

I haven't paid enough attention to a lot of things lately. Few know the truth, some ignore it with the passing moments, while others tried but cant handle the burn. Its funny, when your stuck in tunnel vision you really do forget all that was before, all that, wither it be raw energy, raw emotions or the sound of laughter by those loved ones, its hard to accept the facts sometimes. I once dedicated this blog to someone, in many respects it was that that started this whole thing, but now after a few years, a few close friends and many turbulent experiences its grown into something much more meaningful, more fulfilling and something I cant handle at times, its me, its what I do and who I am. Its funny when I look back at it, but now while I plan to expand this its down to those close to me and well, life, that this is somewhat dedicated too now. * Ambition is the desire for personal achievement, yes that's...