A Blue Bouquet

I over heard my mother speaking to my uncle on the phone the other day, she said  "Fran be optimistic and everything will get better", he recently had a stroke. As I lay in bed a few days later wrapped up in my duvet listening to sweet questionable folk I got to thinking, why is my life such a mess and why do I hate myself ? Each question brings up a lot of other questions and thus far fewer answer's. I know I need to stop questioning the past and let it be for it will never be again. Life is life as they say and it happens to us all at some point or another. A deep heartache, a deep chill with the sight on them and a deep overpowering feeling of hatred towards ourselves for letting something so simple and so amazing escape our arms. But that's the past, I now know that nothing I could have done would have stopped you from leaving, I've chosen to not accept reality and live somewhat in a bubble of my own despair and disbelieve. There's a fine line b...

He's brought me on an endless journey of self discovery. To discover my faults, discover my life and without knowing it discovering my desperate past and questioning everything I've ever done and said. It took me over two years to crawl out of my desperate pitt of self pity, questioning my worth and questioning my life. My finger nails shattered as I dug the dirt out from under me, they bled to the bone in pain as I pushed all my energy to dig towards the light, w hich I did. The questionable past I have is somewhat a mystery as to why it occurred but it did anyway, I don't blame myself or anyone for it's ever exestice, I only hope to be brave enough not to withdraw into such a crevice. I can't distinguish the difference between sex and making love. I don't want sex, I want love with you. I miss our movements, our starters middles and ends. The joy and love I felt knowing I've let myself go to you, letting you enjoy my pure body fuelled with love...

Q; What could be better then sunshine and the sweet smell of hector passing through the air as you lay with friends? A; The shattered dreams I had of this summer, the trips I planed and the life I almost had; nestled in the high grass shadowed by love us lovers lay, looking at clouds and picturing the beauty around us. The shadow of pain and heart ace follows in his every foot step, follows in his daily routine and his actions, only when they meet does it become reality and a chance encounter of that kind I can't bear. Q; Does the ghost of past failure haunt your life still? A; Yes but when your there it doesn't, you have the power to stop this haunting feeling this overwhelming feeling of dread. Q; Are you saying I'm strong? A; Your laugh is powerful and consumes the air around people, your happiness beings joy to those close as they know the sorrow that haunts me. Physically your not strong, your not an ideal man of the world but a great deal of a feminine m...

Today I was told I'm anything but normal and as I got to thinking I guess there right. My past is long and heavy, deaths haunt my family, breakdowns shatter my dreams and homelessness brought hopelessness. All these I've been subjected to or have either witnessed in my short life. I believe the past sets our life in motion makes us strive for dreams, dreams in which we thrive in and dreams in which we make a reality. I once'd dreamed of him and me having this grand life purely out of love. A grand life where I thrived on being someone else, someone in a story or a picture, someone made up by a great writer a character based on by those old fables of 'the housewife'. I would cook and clean, do the laundry and attend the needs of my husband and our import. My dream was fiction not even achievable by the realm of reality or by sheer concentration. Now months later I see the novel before me, I see the shattered past of fiction and hope, the past of captiva...

It rained hard and I got soaked. It felt nice to get wet, I enjoyed the rain hitting my head and dripping down my face almost cleansing my life and washing away my sins. I like the smell of a summer's rain and I like the excitement of it too, the rush to hide and feel dry, to feel safe and warm not cold and lonely. My sins are that I was so scared of a life without you, a life with only me. A life without planning and dreams, a life I ultimately planned in my head and destroyed by my freedom of speech and actions, a life I made you hate and question and a life you were held captive in. While I walk my desert, my hot desert with the sun so high belting down on my sorrow expressionist face I cant help but feel alone. I cant help but question everything, maybe its the sun, the heat could have me going delirious but I choose not to drink. As I walk I try to forget what remains behind me, the fire has died off and all that's left is the smell of smouldering memories, an em...

Its close to 4am now and I've been drinking. I've noticed my life moving on without you I cant help but notice we are still intertwining in the same circles.  We aren't friends and we wont be for some time but I can see that we have the same friends, the people in which I call friends support me, support the new me in which they find themselves circled by, but what about you ?, are you just as important as me in this new found singleton ? I'm sitting on my bedroom floor, I've opened my window while I smoke, the cold air feels nice against my bare legs. I'm looking at a picture frame I've hidden behind my wardrobe, a picture frame of us. Memories we created together that I will always look back on and cherish,but a picture frame that one day I hope to add to. Its sad really, the life I wanted I wanted you and only you. You were my key to a life I never had and thus my wanting I pushed you away, I pushed you so much to want what I wanted that I pus...

Life; its one big question mark with a thousand answers and many possibilities. Ive lost a lot, gained a lot, had my up and downs, seen some fantastic sights and have met some fantastic people along the way but do we know where this will bring us? I know now that I wont settle for anything other then a smile and that feeling of happiness. Maybe that's why your not here now, maybe that's why you set me free A key opens doors in which we hide ourselves in, hide the real us. But behind those closed doors is a world full of windows and a world of possibilities and wonder. Excitement turns knots in our stomach as when we turn the key, the sweet smell of adventure fills our noses are we breathe in the sweetness of summer air. I'm only starting to notice the keys in my hand and the doors and windows around me. Ive opened one lately and it has lead into a fun new world of friends, travel, festivals and parties, d runken nights out and massive amounts of tea drinking, s...

The tb is back. That travel bug  that once consumed me and made me live for adventure, I remember  booking my flights,  visa's  and hotels and slowly counting down each month, each week then each day until I left. Excitment filled my body but also sorrow and heart ace because as I went on this great adventure of self discovery, you were kept here, chained by the rules and regulations of life. One could say it didn't work out, but we made it. We came out the other end, came out better people and stronger but somehow, somewhere we fell apart. Lately I've been thinking about travelling. It all started a few weeks ago when I heard some amazing news, finally the wedding of two amazing people will take place in my second home, my second home some Ten thousand miles away. "I can go for just over two weeks max" I said but in hindsight why go so far for so short a time period? and   then it started, tb is dangerous bug the inflicts self dou...

I have no reason to reason with me. It's okay to lie to yourself everyday in the hope that things get better. I've done it every single day for the past 6months and I still don't believe it. I cant reason with myself, the internal battle of my shattered mind continues and it always will. I can try as Damian to let it go, but it will take time and an awful lot of time for that to happen. I will cry from time to time about you, I will pound my fist's into my pillow as the tears slip into my mouth and the rush of a memory of those kisses will always come back and haunt me. I will question your happiness but I will always wish you well. * Change is all around us, it's inflicted in our every movement. I believe sometimes that we create our days and the mood that engulfs it. I like to dream a lot, dream about the certain places and people. Places I would only love to see and people I love who I cant see right now, but I will next year hopefully. My physic...