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hopelessly hopeful.

Its close to 4am now and I've been drinking.

I've noticed my life moving on without you I cant help but notice we are still intertwining in the same circles. 

We aren't friends and we wont be for some time but I can see that we have the same friends, the people in which I call friends support me, support the new me in which they find themselves circled by, but what about you ?, are you just as important as me in this new found singleton ?

I'm sitting on my bedroom floor, I've opened my window while I smoke, the cold air feels nice against my bare legs.
I'm looking at a picture frame I've hidden behind my wardrobe, a picture frame of us.
Memories we created together that I will always look back on and cherish,but a picture frame that one day I hope to add to.

Its sad really, the life I wanted I wanted you and only you.
You were my key to a life I never had and thus my wanting I pushed you away, I pushed you so much to want what I wanted that I pushed you away.
It kills me because we could be happy together, we could be still together, happy and carefree each taking time out to live thousands of miles apart but that was us, me with Australia and you with America.
Maybe we need this this break from each other.
A total break so we can rejuvenate and recuperate and maybe in time we can be somewhat what we were.

The pictures I look at remind me so much of a life I miss, a life of travel and trips, hotel rooms and weekends spent in every shop in Dublin, treating ourselves to what ever we fancied.

Sydney for new years, Cairn's for a break away from the world, Trinity ball to celebrate our youth and Paris to capture our love.
All these photos shake my core, make me question my childish behaviour and question you new life in which I have no part at all.

Ive been left out in the cold, crying to myself because you pushed me out, alone I stand facing the world.
Alone I remain with no one to help, no one to talk too and no one to confide in, no one to whisper sweet nothings too at night and no one to love, not even myself.

Its past 4am now, I'm still on my floor listening to music and drinking, thinking to myself I can beat this, everything happens for a reason.
I've made new friends, I've embraced a new job and I'm moving in a direction I never thought I would and it feels good.
But the ghost you are will always haunt, always creep up on  me and make me questing everything I've built since you left.
People have betrayed my trust, made me only question more about this grand adventure.

I cant help but feel alone, I cant help but feel powerless and I cant help but feel compelled to hate myself.

"Leave your home "-I will.
"Change your name" -I've done it.
"Live alone" -I cant.
"Eat your cake"-I'm sure you are.

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