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Life is life.

I over heard my mother speaking to my uncle on the phone the other day, she said  "Fran be optimistic and everything will get better", he recently had a stroke.

As I lay in bed a few days later wrapped up in my duvet listening to sweet questionable folk I got to thinking, why is my life such a mess and why do I hate myself ?
Each question brings up a lot of other questions and thus far fewer answer's.
I know I need to stop questioning the past and let it be for it will never be again.

Life is life as they say and it happens to us all at some point or another.
A deep heartache, a deep chill with the sight on them and a deep overpowering feeling of hatred towards ourselves for letting something so simple and so amazing escape our arms.
But that's the past, I now know that nothing I could have done would have stopped you from leaving, I've chosen to not accept reality and live somewhat in a bubble of my own despair and disbelieve.

There's a fine line between the fabric of reality and a life you make yourself believe in.
I've caused some pain too I know I have.
I'm sure you've seen this blog and have felt awful, awful for causing this suffering and pain but I've caused it too, only I needed to to understand that there are better things in life.

Life will carry us down our river regardless on the speed we will always get there, a place much better the where you set sail from and a place of new adventures and a somewhat new life.
I miss being a wild thing, I miss my wild nights out, adventures everyday and embracing life for what it is short, lonely and questionable but also exciting, magical and adventurous.
I've got to pull my curtains back crawl out of my cave of self pity and embrace the freshness of air and the excitement that's all around me.

To say I'm sorry for this is a lie, I needed to write this.
I needed something where I could escape too and just let it all out.
I do love you still and I always will, to say I'm fine is a lie but I'm learning to live with it now.
I will write about you and us but with much less heartache.

Optimism has been my life's lesson from an early age.
To give it up would mean forgetting the hardships I've faced, to not remember where I am and how I got
here, the suffering that's been caused and the happiness I've felt at the end of it all.

"Baby I'm a wild thing, baby life goes on, baby old joy".

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