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I've no reason to reason.

I have no reason to reason with me.

It's okay to lie to yourself everyday in the hope that things get better.
I've done it every single day for the past 6months and I still don't believe it.

I cant reason with myself, the internal battle of my shattered mind continues and it always will.
I can try as Damian to let it go, but it will take time and an awful lot of time for that to happen.
I will cry from time to time about you, I will pound my fist's into my pillow as the tears slip into my mouth and the rush of a memory of those kisses will always come back and haunt me.
I will question your happiness but I will always wish you well.

*
Change is all around us, it's inflicted in our every movement.
I believe sometimes that we create our days and the mood that engulfs it.
I like to dream a lot, dream about the certain places and people.
Places I would only love to see and people I love who I cant see right now, but I will next year hopefully.

My physical appearance has changed, I've had to somehow change myself in some way, to not see the me looking back, the me that was part you.
I've changed my wardrobe and my hair, I've got a nose ring and a lip bar.
I'm changing to hide it, hide the Damian inside me, the Damian you know so well.
Roisin is taking hold, she gets more powerful with each mad adventure.
The drugs empower her behavior and alcohol fuels her madness, she's pretty out of control lately but its a welcome change from Damian.

The two have become entwined lately, I can see it happening slowly but I think its good.
Damian sits in the shadows and wont enjoy the simpleness of life, always questioning everything and everyone and never letting himself go, while Roisin is just a crazy bitch.
The two play of each other, the two somehow are good for each other, one calms while the other pushes the boundaries, I'm happy a balance has been settled.

*
We will lie to ourselves every single day.
Lie to hide the pain, lie to lesson the pain and hope it gets better (a trick of the mind).
But someday there will be no pain, the ghost that haunts us will be no more and we can walk again, walk in the open field with only sunshine around us, nothing but calm and peace, nothing but a tree and a bit of shade.

I've forgotten the simple thing's is life lately, the joy's of great friend's, the joy's of a chat with someone and the joy's of being happy in yourself.
It's a rare thing for me to be happy in my skin but I feel okay about what I'm doing and where I'm going, a journey of  pure self indulgence.

Always lie, always hide, always change.

This post is a collection of notes I've written the past month or so.

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