A Blue Bouquet

Since when did optimistic thinking become a pessimistic reality - when you actively seek out something in the tangible how do you manage to keep yourself positive in every negative situation that comes your way - I've come to think that the universe is fucking with me lately.  I have to laugh sometimes I truly do. Admiration for what is a chance of twisted faith or a pure mistake, either way you could look at it from two very distinctive perspectives but allowing the idea to wreak havoc in your mind is something you shouldn't entertain.  * It's hard to appreciate everything that happens to us, be it good or bad - yet these cosmic actions place our lives in the centre of our own despair, creating uproar & havoc, causing beautiful things to fall and harder reasons to reflect on - yet, after all this time, after everything that's caused pain causes just as much joy, love and appreciation for what you've got. Without grey clouds there is no silver lining in which to...

Just because your crazy doesn't mean that your free.  Perception of oneself is never true to the form we project to the wider world - even our closest friends sometimes struggle with the person we keep hidden.  So my question is; why do we struggle with honesty, admiration and care for ourselves ?  Why can't we be as honest with ourselves as we are when calling out our friends ?  Why have we actively not looked past the surface in the face of fear ? * Reflection;  I've had two weeks off work recently & thank fuck I did (short lived success is measured by hard work but constant drive slows you down resulting in weakly managed tactics) otherwise I would have gone crazy. But taken some time out developed my understand of the situation I've found myself in - self reflection on this blog has shown me more about myself than the memories I've got  sometimes.  Self reflection is deemed a bad thing sometimes, they say looking back doesn't help the present w...

When Were You Happy? (Contentment vs happiness)  A post I wrote almost a year ago now, when, let's say I was questioning something more worthwhile, more enriching and something more diverse than the small city I came from. The struggle wasn't with the world but with my own stubborn attitude to life, my own powerless mind consumed with failure, my lack of appreciation for myself & everything I've seemed to create - troubled pasts will always haunt you dear soul, sitting on that bench I'm sure you thought of us.  *  What I've come to understand about the people I've met here is, somehow we are all the same. Struggling with our own self righteous attitudes, our powerless minds consumed with love for another, trapped and unable to enjoy the splendour of the moment because we've got high hopes, issues with security only brought on by dark memories and sadly a feeling of pure isolation and complete unnerving anxiety.  What's the reason for us to continue t...

I've been over working lately but more accurately slaving away at my job seems to fit better.  For what, this somewhat career in the hope of praise, fulfilment and a sense of comfort - why push yourself for no return ? Lately I've caught myself asking myself the same questions.  *  It's hard when you misplace the balance and harder to regain control of things we've lost, to try and settle the playing field even and enjoy what we all so desperately want - a simple life.  I feel cheated in a way sometimes, cheated by my own self righteous attitude, cheated by the fact I haven't had my chance to grow - repetitiveness lives on regardless of where you are or who you know.  The three different women in the bakery know my order, my sandwich bar lady knows my name and talks me to like we're friends yet I don't understand a thing she says. I live by a set time impulsed by brave decisions yet  I've noticed my routine has become somewhat dim. Challenges are welcome...

I watched a very interesting TED talk about peoples perception on the time of change, or as the title was " the psychology of your future self".   It was fascinating to me because it explained the dynamics we as people change in, the time formats we believe we change and the actual reality of such change.  Now while writing this, I'm sitting on my bed in Berlin, drinking a Pilsner and procrastinating about everything that's been created here.  * "Do you know where you will be in ten years?" Is one question asked in the TED talk, yet while people assume they know or would like to have some understanding we simply don't; we believe we will be the same person, that our perception of reality won't shift all that much in the time frame, that we will continue to grow and develop on the road we're on, right? I somehow have chosen to ignore such questions lately, because my perception of reality shifts daily, the change inside me being here is beyond my ...

Can you feel the pressure belting down on your shoulders? Can you imagine the anguish you're actually inflicting on your health by embracing such thoughts? No, I didn't think you would, why? because you like suffering, you like the torment. You activity seek it out, enjoy it somehow and sadly it's all you know and to no such end do you change, when ironically, change is all you want.  Under the pressure is merely a security blanket, a self pity party for one who's mind is shattered, disconnected from reality, lost in translation and even blind to the happiness life has to offer.  * I spoke to a friend recently about the bubble we've been submerged into, the ironically comforting bubble where we don't speak nor understand the language, we know no one amidst all the people yet the quietness and isolation is charming, being trapped and alone is possibility the best practice for us poor souls, us kindred spirits battled with the harshness of reality and now we'v...

We are all programmed in many different ways, the wires connecting make us realise who we are, why we're here and why we do the things we do which ultimately leads us to who we are today - decisions we make impact our fragile life but it's ultimately the programming in our minds that cause it.  I've been programmed (no fault of my own) to suffer, to question the possibilities & to live an almost unrewarding life (self awareness can be a terrible thing at times) yet lately, while I've relocated, completely uprooted my life & left the masked comforts* I'm awaiting the meltdown, that defining moment when I crumble, cry and call out for home - yet for me now, who's here, taking each moment to have a small victory over life I don't think I will crumble or cry, I've programmed my mind to see the difference between it all & giving up all the was before is almost burning the sorrow of a sad o'soul.  *  They say the older we get the smaller our ci...

"Can you truly understand this entire proposal, truly grasp what your giving up in order to justify this entire move"? A question I suppose I haven't truly asked myself yet.  It's funny, my ambition and determination in my career are at an all time high yet my own personal strength is in question*  *moments of fear and doubt are normal, thinking of how not when are a given, but when you get out of town and get that new perspective it quickly wakes you up from the anguish and repetitiveness of life back here and for some, if you don't get out of town you don't see that you need a new perspective so you stay unrewarded for the struggles, stay and close yourself off. Stay and nothing changes.  *  I've spent over three hundred quid on flights tonight, one for my a quick return in July but the main one, the one that's one way still hasn't sunk in, yet in truth it hasn't been chewed nor swallowed and my stomach hasn't even turned with the rich sm...

How do you reshape your crushed hopes, you're almost prefect reality and yourself when life throws you that curve ball ?  It's 50/50 at the moment and if I recheck my emails again I swear I'll go insane.  *  This morning I awoke from a 13 hour sleep, baffled at how the hell I slept so hard in the first place when my day wasn't strenuous to begin with, but on reflection, my days lately have been a constant upheaval of emotional planning, stress and anxiety.  I've chosen to ignore the person screaming inside my head saying "let's get the fuck out" for far too long now, in every sense I'm done now, my decision is just and should it happen it will be a bitter end to a beautiful life.  *  I've chased ambition before, I'm naturally a very driven person but, on reflection a step outside  yourself is possibly the worst decision you can make, regardless of the high and mental anguish that took hold, impactful decisions call for c...

The bigger it becomes the harder it is to control right. It's a situation that's all too familiar, curled up in bed crying into a pillow because you couldn't face the light of day, people's actions confused you despite the good nature based behind them. You second guess yourself and wonder why, you try placing positive before negitive but still, somehow, one plus one equals zero.  Inflicted repercussions by people are the battle, self inflicted repercussions are the enemy and knowing how to tame yourself is the greatest challenge of all.  *  When you become engrossed in the emotion, self pity becomes second nature, fools warmth & natures correst feels all too overwhelming to comprehend as, for some it's too much of what they hope yet they can't break the cycle enough to believe it.  This isn't the voice of someone who's self inflected negative emotions have become reality, if anything it's purely reflective and outwardly seen by my own eyes for t...

It's my belief that the early stages of your life shape the present we're in, the decisions we make towards our future are a repercussion of early memories. Memories people have inflicted on our youthful selfs be it good or bad - you're memoirs stick from very early childhood (clinically proven fact), decisions people make impact life intensely but it's only when we take a step back and look at our lives extremely carefully do we see how all the dots are connected; why you are the way you are, how you arrived here, how your thought processor lead you to this point in life. Some may say it's a mystery, a twisted faith by the universe but stop and look - who you are is those around you. * If I look at my life extremely closely I see where I got my strength from, my loving nature (despite all the set backs) the hopefulness I believe is possible yet I see how doubt has clouded my judgement and I can clearly see where my anxious tendencies and abandonment issues stem fro...

How do you reshape your perception on life when you don't activity ask yourself the questions you need answered?  Do you ask yourself why you lead life in a certain way. Do you challenge back the rules set before you by peers or family. Do you give yourself enough time to seek out an alternative route for your thought process to venture down?  So many questions yet the answers are simple. Our life is cultivated by us and no one else, I think we forget that a lot, it's not hard to shift the perception in your mind, think differently and challenge yourself, as to why.  *  If I look back to only a short few months ago  I can see that the challenge I set myself has proven itself to be extremely worth while.  My goal was understanding, ambition and insightful thinking, and as a result I understand the social structure I find myself in, I see the work/friend balance and I see the personal achievement concurred.  The ambition for personal drive is something I...