A Blue Bouquet

The wind chimes sing there wind blown song as I walk down my back garden. The little wild black berries fall upon my head as to remind me of where I am now. My reality has taken a beaten lately, my mind has been crawling out of a hole so deep I couldn't even see the light, yet the shadows of those above made me jealous for I knew they were happy and I couldn't help but wonder why I wasn't. I was there for the breakdown and the questions of a shaken foundation, I held your hand and we drank....awaking in an empty room to silence, filled me with ease for I knew the world was right again, the bedroom was occupied by two, not one lonely soul. It's the understanding you have that helps the most, the road so similar left behind was a struggle to get away from, your body so questionable and your mind racing at an unreasonable speed mirrors mine in so many ways. They don't understand for they don't know the truth. I've been chasing myself, slowly stabbing...

It's an odd feeling that doesn't drown the body in sorrow. I'm not left heavy hearted, wanting more or feeling isolated, I don't even have that over bering feeling of joy, it's an odd adjustment from the first time, but at a second thought it was what it was. I guess that's what it's like these past few weeks, ignored phone calls and empty replies have taken a hold on the shattered mind for no one knows what's going to happen...aside the hill top the water ran, once again it will reach the sea. It's that time for parties and drunken resolutions to be made by friends, tales of the year go by with a hurrah and a simple smile that's blossomed by love. * It was today that caught me. A day to remember the good ole days, the fights and the sorrows. A day to create new times and venture out as someone new with more positive outlook on life. It's been too long, yet we haven't changed at all dear friend.

I've been back and forth, up and down and quite rightly a mess the past few weeks. I can't help but look out at the snow and only think of times gone by. Those times were we would sit there, wrapped around each other, never letting the dream end or thinking of the reality we weren't in. It hits me like punches when the thoughts slowly fade back into my mind and the reality of life slowly turns its ugly head. It's hard to remember it this time, I'm almost waging a war inside my head trying to understand all that life has brought me since, the changing dynamics that had me at hello now haunt that freedom for its clouded by the night sky, a trickle of snow flake and the reminder I'm alone. I can feel it slowly taking hold, the idea of all that we done now a mere blip in the reality of things. I do often wonder if that water brought you to the land you sought out and the freedom we so desperately needed. Questions have almost shattered me this year, yet ...

It's all happened this year, the mask came off and the truth I was afraid of came out. It hurts to acknowledge it's existence sometimes, yet I must for its face is mine and it's body is that of the soul I bear. the clouded years seem only too sweet for forgotten memories were there, white clouds of far away shined in the clear sky and dismantled the mind into such a state of forgetfulness and an almost subjewed state of calm. I wish I could let it go as its lowered for its too heavy to float with the living, yet I adore the pain for I am the masochist doing this but I can't help those dark days of solitude and slight mindfull bliss. Chasing the memories until I crumble at my feet, crying out but wanting more, desperate to say the words of the past. * If it wasn't for your smile, your charm and your sheer ability to wash away the blue stains below I'd be a crumbled mess. It was long overdue yet the shifting tides keep us at bay.

I've been awake for over two hour's now. I awoke with a slight headache for we drank wine last night and the talking got deep. It's still inside me, the comedown from the week before. It's taken me a while to understand it and to deal with it. It was heavier then before, maybe by mistake for it was a shorter period of time. My clothe's are still sitting in the washing machine, asking to be hung out and dried but I don't care. I've sat here drinking coffee after coffee and chain smoking, not letting my mind rest from the question's pouring in and out. My constant speed has come to an abrupt halt, I've slowed everything down and enjoyed the dark lonely sky beating down above me. In dark place's it grow's, slowly consuming the powerless mind for the serotonin is gone. This week has been hard for the bitter taste still stung my throat three day's later. Now while I consider breakfast, I'm gaining the hope back. I've read...

It's funny how I've found myself gaining everything I've wanted these past few weeks, yet at the same time I'm losing it all too. I've moved home at an unhealthy expense but now I can sleep at night for I know my mind will be relaxed, I've grew through those people around me yet I can't help but question those of the almost past. Questions are shooting up left right and center yet I can't understand the language for it's totally unknown territory. It's been bitter sweet if I'm honest, I don't know if or how this can be mended or if it will, all I know is to keep that promise for you set this silence in motion. Now while the sides are drawn up and numbers have been lost or misplaced, people have moved on and grown up and some have cleverly imaged the world through someone else's eye's, I can't help but wonder what's become of us all? I've taken two steps forward and four steps back lately. Yes times have changed and it...

The two have somehow become entwined in each other, living as separates is something of the past yet the horror of the presents is shaking there core. It's all resulted in this, the night sky helped push us together and made us leave the past behind, for the words spoken were with love. Now it's slowly coming back, I can feel it boiling up inside waiting to escape and reek havoc on those around us, those fictional friends who've come into the world by sheer mistake, who've almost helped shape the way we see today and tomorrow and who helped rejoice the yesterday's. My bin is full of crumpled paper, written down plans and messages, scribbles of tales and lonely pictures taken within the group is now over flowing and scattered along the floor. It's funny how you plan your somewhat liveable life, running away from your fall from grace, not questioning those around you, only yourself. The demons who've emerged this year are huge, slightly daunting figur...

Its happened so fast yet we knew it was coming, bitter lie's and resentment were starting to sting like wasp's, the fight's were fueled with jealously and rage, yet the love was strong, strong enough to make its own mind up. It reminds me of Spring, those afternoon's where the sun would sit low in a bask of colour's and it would still be cold enough to cuddle up in a blanket, sipping tea on the porch while having a cigarette after a meal.  The air still with its sting from the cold yet smelling so fresh and pure, an almost new awaking for those who want to push the boundaries and change there outlook on there somewhat livable life's.  If truth be told I don't know how we got there.  Its quite sad how we ignore each other, simple message's of good wishes go with a blank stare and a reply that's worth not replying for.  I always hoped after all this we would be friend's but I guess it's going to take more time.  * Spring ha...

There are time's when we wish for forgiveness, from our family, our friends, even our work colleague's but thats easy, the hardest part is to forgive yourself for the mess you've become intwinted in. I watched as it unravelled, each of us not willing to speak until the bitter beer clouded our minds and spoke only truth for you had my heart. That walk home was something of a mystery to me for I still cant fadam why such words were spoken. In the light of day we realize who's at fault here and who must be to blame. The ample streets don't recall us now, face's is a crowd is what has become us and empty feeling's lingering in the hall way are all that stand's between us, yes dear friend it's bitter sweet for the lie's have been spoken. Confusion is thick amongst the crowd as to why, yet the tales of the past have not been spoken for the shame is too much to bare, society values its norm's while the outcasts stick to one side, its simply...

I do long for those summer days but only sometimes. Those days of sweet sunshine belting down on those who grew amongst the tall grass, actions spoke louder then words as the real life ran by, glaring there eyes but not speaking ill of the actions. It was the time for dreams to be made, promises to be made and rings to be exchanged. Time would stand still, nights would be full of love and the days were for adventures. Yet those days seem only too perfect, but the ending chapters of the book would dictate those happy memories. Seasons came and changed the time yet my mind was left behind in the realm of love. I didn't understand how the snow got on my shoes, but it did. Before I knew it I was questioning the present, wondering how my wish at the harbour never made it to reality, I can only guess that I lost out to someone else who wished the same. Desperate time's lay ahead but I didn't know that, it got colder and colder ...

I lay there for about an hour or so, my lonely bed not whispering love only solitude. I light candles to lessen the pain, lessen the memories and to bring about some warmth to the bedroom. If truth be told its not about the bedroom and the antics that would follow into those doors, its about the extra hour we get everyday to ourselves, that hour to be alone or that hour to be with our friends. That hour where our minds can race through our imaginations and cause only havoc on reality or that hour that seems to go by so fast, we wished we had another one. Sometimes we venture out of our comfort zone, try to be someone different for a slight period of time. We think we can cheat the mind by such actions but as I realized lately the emotion that comes with it can be overwhelming. I use to admire her advice so much so that I took it up once. It was truly a telling time were us friends formed to become such a union but now as the times ...

There is so much to life I wish I could have changed. The deaths of those I've witnessed, the hurt I've caused to those I love and the mistakes I made in life. Sometimes I wish I could start again rewrite my story from its prologue to the final chapter.  If we could would we?  The calm I've found inside my soul lately is a testament to the chapters I've written, the pain I've felt and dealt to other's, I think life is a bitter cycle sometimes, an ever changing cycle of karma and I really do think we create the life we lead somehow.  Where would I be today if life was different?  What would my mental state be without my depression, anxiety and stress?  Who would I have loved if not him?  I done something foolish lately, I don't know why. It thought me something so valuable, that no matter how low we feel we shouldn't....

I was powerless over the mind. The body crying out for reasons unknown, drowned by drink and filled with drugs, it was an escape more then a past time.  The sweet folk tormenting us both poor soul, no light in those corridors of trust and love, no light to see the mess you became.  I'm breaking down again, yet I've been broken down since day one, sense doesn't exist here.  The years gone by too fast, yet the struggle still presides inside us both.  The questions for the past the present and the future, I think I'm breaking down again.  Fictional friends have come and gone betrayed our trust and started words which were't spoken. They might as well contribute to this mess for betrayal is on the menu once again.  Look behind you for the grass is greener then you once imagined.  There coming up, as I run past the faces of the past, scream with joy at the people of the present ...

It doesn't feel real sometimes. Salt water kisses I recall, clouded in gray as memory's slowly shatter. Big blue watery eye's piercing my soul, holding out for hope and speaking of promises that sadly have not been promised. Its almost been a year she says, "a year of just us my friend, how we've almost gained it all but sadly lost it too, its been hard to say the least, but do you recall that winter's night so vividly? I didn't think so". Hope I guess is what we both held out for dear friend. I've rested for some time lately, the demons haunted me as I slowed down, made me question my worth and question our path, I guess sometimes in life we have to slow down, think about this life and realize that something's have to be done to grow, believe and achieve in ourselves but also not to question the path we wondered from for it could hold the key we need to recover. Its funny how the first fact that you realize is t...

It came over so fast, those thoughts I've been trying to push out for so long. Distractions kept it at bay, kept the mind wondering for more, more for this world and more of the new and less of before, before those times and those promises less of the pain they inflected. If truth be told I do wonder, but I mustn't let it cloud my judgement, the progress you've made she says "the wounds have healed but the scares are deep, I know poor child its been hard and you question everyone and everything but please, just breathe, the scares will fade in time just look at your wrist". She speaks only truth for she's had my back, following my every foot step, knowing my whereabouts and keeping this shameful secret. The mind goes cloudy with noise, the tension is too much at times, rest isn't on the menu neither is laughter once promised or tales of history being made. "Forget the dwellings" she says, "they only cover the darkness over head, ti...

As I stop the motions of life I couldn't help but wonder; what ever happened to the boy who laughed uncontrollably, the boy who smiled every day, went out like it was no ones business and the boy who somehow harvested all that light to push those demons away? While I look in the mirror I can see that sparkle has vanished, replaced by a slight nothingness feel and energy, dull clouds of questions seem to shimmer in the mind while the light slowly fades. I cant help but feel trapped to this world and this place, this struggling mind state of despair only brought on by the deep breaths drawn in. Those winter months filled with such escapism clouded the real judgement my mind made. Those every growing addictions to prescriptions, drugs and alcohol slowed down the narrow mind state I felt so trapped in, made each day seem so fussy and free until the come down and the next hit. The ever growing circle I we...

Sophia is what I need to remember in these dark hours. While I try so hard I really do, to leave it behind and move on, enjoy my life and not question this path of solitude and slight bliss, I cant help but think about the present for your soul is no where near mine now. I wonder who crawls into your bed at night, I wonder how your days go, what your routine holds and if you only think back to those days too. Life has changed us old love, it will never be back, our bird has flown the nest and a flight she is alone to face the long days of sunshine and the cold nights that approach. It worries me and despite the fact I seem fine I'm not. My wounds go deeper then I once thought, I feel as if I'm not worthy of this life, this place I've found myself in. It scares me sometimes how much has changed and how much I want that. Its hard to accept yourself as someone, you do not admire and this is my downfall. My neurotic mind pumps visions of a life well lived but the ch...

The coldness outside is only thickening due to the darkness approaching, put on your scarf poor child for your on your own. * There were times when the sun would set and the drinks would roll.  The drugs would be plentiful and the fun would be had, the fun between us but most importantly with those few close.  I could see those winter nights held together made by the creator for he by chance gave the second shots of his love and labour, but now so quickly as it came its been taken away.  A mistake on which cant be tamed by the high, for each of us is to blame.  It was a ball bouncing into each others court, it may be funny but the truth is not to blame.  My hand was dealt a long time ago, I cant change it nor would I dream it.  To change me, lesser my values and my dreams and most importantly myself would be a mistake of my up bringing, I couldn't help but fall...

The dark days are looming ever so close and while I ponder the depths of my mind I cant help but ask the question, Is it too soon? While I come to terms with the new found attitude I so slowly embrace, I'm forced to question the path of which I've traveled down ever so quickly. Its brought me to this home, this new place away from the family. Brought me up a level and made me achieve more, made me bind every so closely to an unlikely few, but as I take these steps I do honestly look back and question the shattered past of which I came from. I cant help but think about the attitude of the present whilst thinking back to the past. Although I said before there are no similarities and I do not compare but I do worry that this some how holds back the steps in which progress is made and if so, how can that be changed? Truth be told I wouldn't go back to the metaphorical streets in which loved b...

The tranquillity I felt that day now a far cry from the nose they make around me. Those trees so big almost an escape from reality, almost a fairy tale while we sat turned into each other, whispering sweet nothing in our ears all the while the birds sat high above and watched the tales of romance unfold. Those days seem so far beyond my knowledge, they seem a far cry from the world we rejoice in today. The romance is gone, the coldness of each other is a burden on the mind, while the new seems to scary to share. Things will change, maybe the fact I dipped into the old scared the man who doesn't believe, believe this is real, life is real and the unforgiving soul that hides didn't and won't be all that I am, they must be ashamed of there actions. The only question I'm left with is now that the tables have turned can the force be too much to bare and if that answer is a yes how much of myself am I going go lose? Time ultimately holds the key is this powerless...

Gone, just like that. It took me to an awful place, the writing besides its soul so clear for it was me. She had no say, she had no voice, her body fractured between the minds of love and life, the dwellings on this soul so burnt into the tree's they walk down by. Its nice to know they can never see this place, the room upon the landing, so dark for the mourning is on going despite the fun below. I've set fire to the soul, watched it collapse and be slightly frightened at what has been reborn. I saw that photo of you, I didn't know it but I could see it. The change of a being so wild and so freely changed for its welcoming into the world was by me. I guess we need to venture into the world and play in the play ground, so vast and so much to explore, so much more then me. Time will go backwards despite the promise. The battle wages on inside, but the truth may never come out, for they all know it. A break to recoup the mind, rest the legs and arms and take a t...

While the wind blows the trees and the rain soaks the ground, I can only dream of the fall and the monumental change. I've always found September to be a month of sheer cleansing, out with the old in with the new. But recently my shattered mind has discovered the problems faced before me. I may never sit there and sip my warm coffee while I light up a cigarette, begrudging the tales you so fondly speak off, begrudging the life you worked so hard for. We can't for now and maybe we never will, but I'm happy with the pigeon who flys between both gasping for air as the punches roll. Thinking back to it now, it's the lack of the past that's made me axle into the present without hindsight, made me not question this new found single status, not question the company I call friends and not question the path I've traveled down. I know what's expected of him, I know what's right for her, for she will feel it the most. The big D will return, turning thei...

This is why I do this, the battle of a shattered mind now entwined by two for the scares are too deep to settle the fractured bones of the past life he walks from. Writing is the escape, to see it written down, to help understand the battle whilst still floating amongst the swans on the river. The drugs relax the mind and chase the demons away, but the after effect after too much snorting is too much for them to handle. When it comes he gets rowdy, setting fire to the bridges they built together, sitting in the darkness alone watching the flames engulf structures she built, watching them come crashing down. The pain is so welcoming for its in his blood. The depression is too hard to stay away from for it captures there beauty and paints it black. It's not always like this but the struggle does survive the light of day.

My water once ran so freely and so quickly down the hill. The hill I once rejoiced loved upon, now a smoldering patch of grass. Time is what it took to recapture it's beauty. The questions I've left of my shoe, never looking down to entertain them. The present is where I am, a change so wild it's shaken my core. A new cat to be smitten beside, a new adventure awaits and ultimately the change of a being. I've set fire to body which has scared my soul, changing to adapt in this new world. I'm running down the hill, whist alight I slowly dissolve in the water at my feet, embracing it's new found love.

You once loved a man who did not own his land and had no savings. You once loved a man who was not of the fine nature of a childhood. You once loved a man who gave all he could, all he could to make you happy. You once loved a man who was shattered by a false declaration, a false hope and a false god. You once loved a man who by all his power sadly got consumed by the declaration of love and all that it means. You once loved a man who was caring, wild and thoughtful. A man who always looked out for you, more so then others, who always tired to see the good in people and a man who ,once again is destroyed. It took 2years to drag myself out, my finger nails bleed by the course gravel as I dug myself out of darkness. The happiness I welcomed much like a beautiful flower about to bloom. The candle burnt hard and fast but sadly our love couldn't keep the candle alight. You don't recall such affairs but that's okay. You now walk a free man, not loving the endless tr...

Everyday we change some for the good and some for the bad. We as people change without even realizing it, we grow and somewhat evolve into a deeper sense of self. Change made me push for more in my life, the job I wanted I got, a real start at something amazing. The end of a relationship wasn't needed but I'm happier for it and if truth be told, I wouldn't have been doing or going to what and where I am now. It's been 9 months since I've had sex and I'm happy about that. I didn't want to go back to my old ways and sleep around, it wouldn't have done me any good it only would have made things a lot worse and now while I look towards the one I like I'm happy I've waited, if not from him but for someone else, because I know now that I like someone and that feeling of giddy playfulness and excitement is purely amazing, but who knows what will happen. I'm happy being single but who knows what changes are around the corner. I've see...

Old joy, great friends, laughter, dipped acid adventures, tea, gossip and fights all these things I've subjected myself to forget. I've lived in the shadows of my despair for a long time. Yes I went out, laughed and had fun but in the end the battle was still waging on inside my head. I've always inflected the pain on myself, my whip of sorrow has scared my back, the tears dripped I've tasted one too many times...I am my own worse enemy. It's only in the past couple of weeks that I've learnt to live with the life I lead, the road I've found myself on is still somewhat questionable and undesirable but I'm accustom to it. The solitude I face I can happily say now is pure bliss, I enjoy my nights in alone, the free afternoons to do as I please, answer to only myself at the best of times and enjoy the relaxing noise of nothing. I can safely say this, if I hadn't have been forced down this road of self discovery I wouldn't be where I am tod...

Nothing will ever be the same for its the past. Our story cant be rewritten with anyone will may fall for. We were something to me old friend, something of a pure fairy tale. Tales passed on can be familiar but are always made up on new hope and a new despair. A cruel character lives in the hope that's fighting the bad, while we as people only try to push for the light and the endless love we crave as humans. I am my own cruel character. I'm the one hurting myself at this stage, mocking myself with everything I do, a physiological battle between the mind which is fractured in two. He puts them down because he feels unless and alone in this fight, he feels so powerless of the big D, its something that constricts around the power inside of him and slowly corrupts the mind and body. With each tight grip Roisin takes a bigger stand. Alone in this battle she tries with every fabric of her fictional being, welding her sword of hope and happiness, hoping she can inflict s...

True love, is it real? I recently told my friend that if you can fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend, really fight I mean -scream and shout, curse at each other and make each other cry endlessly but somehow hold eachother tight at night and make passionate love a few days later, well that's true love. If you can look at someone, kiss someone and embrace someone after such incidents it must be love. I remember our big fights, one in Sydney Australia then the other in Brooklyn New York. We fought like cat and dog, but still somehow pushed past it. We ignored the fact it happened because we loved each other, because at the end of the day that's us as individuals, this is our true sides, our tempers...the other side of romance and we accepted it for we knew each of us were not perfect but each of us didn't want that other to leave. Looking back on it now I still wonder what went wrong. Yes we fought, yes I got consumed and yes it was hard but was it...

As I endlessly searched the streets to find his address I thought "what are you doing? you can bail now, no one will know, it's fine, do it", but I didn't. I sought out his apartment only promising myself not to sleep with him, only enjoy the company for we know full well what we are. While we sat there chatting over the dialogue in the movie I couldn't help but feel powerless...so I drank. We polished of a bottle of white quickly enough, then before long we moved on to the rose. As the sweetness of the wine hit my lips and taste buds I could only think of the past romances we had. While chatting I got up and walked to the window to finish my cigarette, all I could think was what's going to happen, will anything happen? Laugher filled the room when the twist reviled itself in the movie. All these questions, I fell as though I'm punishing myself with, I needed to relax and enjoy what this was or in fact what this is, a night in with an ex and a b...

Sometimes when the sun is shining and I'm alone sitting in the shade reading a book, quietly smoking a cigarette I miss his presence in my life. For on that sunny day we would picnic in the tall grass that would hide our shameless acts of passion and love. I miss the taste of his lips pressed against mine, I miss his touch and his body, I miss the smell of his home and the clutter of his bedroom, most of all I miss him. Those days are hard for they hold such memories. We only had snow for a brief moment, while tucked away on the sofa an open fire heating the room in which we sat tucked into each others bones, quietly we kissed embracing our love. Now shattered I am, holding these memories close to my heart for I feel I may never have them again. I know I will never have them again with you, for you hold the key to my happiness, but now while the days and months pass so quickly I can hardy comprehend anyone getting close to me or vice versa. Your all I want my love. ...

Has it been this easy to really forget? Now that time has taken its toll I feel as though I'm okay for the most part anyway. I've taken a new lease to life one I begrudged my friends for doing once upon a time, one I so dismissively talked about for I seen such states they would end up in, but now I'm one of them. I keen user in a pure relaxant and a pure escape for some number of hours. I've never known its full advantage until my world came crumbling down. I remember the morning that followed, I broke down crying in front of those superiors. My co's quickly seen and the gossip slowly following. I stayed despite my wanting to hide under the covers of my bed, I came in everyday with a smile on my face, hiding the pain and embarrassment I felt the desperation in knowing I wanted him back. Its taken me a long time to adjust to this life and if truth be told I'm still not there for the most part. Its been a real struggle especially in those dark Decemb...

It's almost 8months now, my unborn child is almost here ready to thrive in a world of pure unknown. I'm excited to have this child. She has been conceived by a bitter heartache and a horrible path of self discovery, one in which her carriage was discovered by the trials and tribulations of life, expanding his minds state and pushing the realms of his reality and caring for only one. Things are better, alot better then before, I want this child to come because now I know it's place in the world now. Learn, strive, believe, achieve and travel will be it's god mother, directing her to be better each day, pushing for possibilities and believing in the world you create. Despite welcoming her alone I will be shocked to see it's part creator. The one who helped this child from the get go, pushing it's carriage down the road, causing this reflection of time and memories. Soon she will be here, soon they will really see what has become of him, the mother and t...

"Do you remember that night in New York, with the bouncer screaming at us to keep quite because of the neighbours? that was such a fun night out", we both laughed at those good times. "How're you?" she asked, "I'm good, really good thanks" I said. It was strange to see a friend of yours even for a brief moment, but it felt nice to know that the awkwardness has passed with some. It was nice to talk so easily about New York and the time I spent there, quietly thinking to myself about you and me then and you and me now, nowhere even close to civil. 52 days ago there was a chance encounter by sheer twisted faith. I always liked him, his free spirit and his ability not to care to much and live life to its fullest. I didn't think we'd chat but we did, just a quick chat about the present and the plans we both have. Not daring to mention the names of the past, even though I really wanted to ask. You name just sat at the tip on my tongue,...

I refuse to look at it, I refuse to even acknowledge it's there sitting in the back of my mind and out there for all to see. Before I left I was captive in chains held up by myself, refusing to live and enjoy my life, refusing to be happy because I always felt I couldn't be. It was right to be happy in this state-I had to drag myself down to feel it, to really let it sink in but that's one aspect of the shattered mind I have. * I named it the "piss and sniff" bush. We would hit it together while I enjoyed the escape the drugs fuelled me. Pure ecstasy I felt while the sweetness hit my throat after I shot it up my nose. The effect was deadly, I couldn't stop moving for days on end, I couldn't sleep or even think of food, my belly was consumed with alcohol and the effect of drugs didn't fuel the fat bitch that hides inside me. It was truly an amazing weekend with a bunch of absolutely amazing people. Now, days later that high I was on I...

One of my oldest friends stayed over last night, we smoked a lot of weed while the summer sun set down in the still blue sky,we started to remember  past holidays we've been on together. I recall running around a pier and jumping of into the cold ocean together, I remember sun bating on the beautiful beach and enjoy a few mid afternoon drinks at the pub, walking along the cliff at night to make it home in time, it was all carefree fun, those summer's were great. We both miss those summer's before life slowly started to take hold. Now its all about night's out, work, college, money and boyfriends. We told each other filthy things last night, things we would only do to our lover's. It brought us closer I think, me and my friend know the bones of each other so there was no weirdness in such graphic stories. As I told mine I remember the good times, that one time in Cairns, that time in Paris and in New York, I remember my knees were so sore from the slightly sl...

I cant help but look back on days past. Day 1; We met at the Annie Mac gig in twisted pepper, me and my friends made fun of you for your outfit of choice (red skinny jeans and a black checked shirt), we seen each other smiled and eskimo kissed, my stomach went into instant knots with excitement and nervousness, w e kissed a lot that night. Day 238; I remember sitting on a seat in Adelaide international airport watching the strangers coming out of customs while awaiting your arrival. My friend Emilee pointed you out I stood up and once again my stomach went into instant knots with excitement and nervousness but still I ran towards you with smile on my face. You arrived, you cleared customs and made it, made it this far to me, it must have been love. We went to E.T.C and had sweet delicious blueberry pancakes, you were so disorientated and confused. Then we went to our apartment while unpacking we put up our Christmas tree then made real love, i t was amazing....

I can feel the water shift from right under my feet. I can feel and see the new ties being made, there strong and moving quickly almost so to tie the knots harder and make them heavier in a sense. I didn't think I'd miss it so much but I guess it's a love story where we each need each other, the company of a great friend I will always have I'm sure of that much, but a love story were it started with bitterness but ends a joyous act of pleasure for them both is something I no longer pray for. Come home safe my darling. Friendships help us hide from one another and ourselves at the best of times. I spoke recently to a dear friend of mine she said "come back please" and the idea of being welcomed into an already settled environment seems only to sweet, I would love in fact to go and see that world once more but this time stay. The loneliness is inflected by the lack of news, the lack of energy and the lack of trying by both. I will try now and if noth...

I over heard my mother speaking to my uncle on the phone the other day, she said  "Fran be optimistic and everything will get better", he recently had a stroke. As I lay in bed a few days later wrapped up in my duvet listening to sweet questionable folk I got to thinking, why is my life such a mess and why do I hate myself ? Each question brings up a lot of other questions and thus far fewer answer's. I know I need to stop questioning the past and let it be for it will never be again. Life is life as they say and it happens to us all at some point or another. A deep heartache, a deep chill with the sight on them and a deep overpowering feeling of hatred towards ourselves for letting something so simple and so amazing escape our arms. But that's the past, I now know that nothing I could have done would have stopped you from leaving, I've chosen to not accept reality and live somewhat in a bubble of my own despair and disbelieve. There's a fine line b...

He's brought me on an endless journey of self discovery. To discover my faults, discover my life and without knowing it discovering my desperate past and questioning everything I've ever done and said. It took me over two years to crawl out of my desperate pitt of self pity, questioning my worth and questioning my life. My finger nails shattered as I dug the dirt out from under me, they bled to the bone in pain as I pushed all my energy to dig towards the light, w hich I did. The questionable past I have is somewhat a mystery as to why it occurred but it did anyway, I don't blame myself or anyone for it's ever exestice, I only hope to be brave enough not to withdraw into such a crevice. I can't distinguish the difference between sex and making love. I don't want sex, I want love with you. I miss our movements, our starters middles and ends. The joy and love I felt knowing I've let myself go to you, letting you enjoy my pure body fuelled with love...

Q; What could be better then sunshine and the sweet smell of hector passing through the air as you lay with friends? A; The shattered dreams I had of this summer, the trips I planed and the life I almost had; nestled in the high grass shadowed by love us lovers lay, looking at clouds and picturing the beauty around us. The shadow of pain and heart ace follows in his every foot step, follows in his daily routine and his actions, only when they meet does it become reality and a chance encounter of that kind I can't bear. Q; Does the ghost of past failure haunt your life still? A; Yes but when your there it doesn't, you have the power to stop this haunting feeling this overwhelming feeling of dread. Q; Are you saying I'm strong? A; Your laugh is powerful and consumes the air around people, your happiness beings joy to those close as they know the sorrow that haunts me. Physically your not strong, your not an ideal man of the world but a great deal of a feminine m...

Today I was told I'm anything but normal and as I got to thinking I guess there right. My past is long and heavy, deaths haunt my family, breakdowns shatter my dreams and homelessness brought hopelessness. All these I've been subjected to or have either witnessed in my short life. I believe the past sets our life in motion makes us strive for dreams, dreams in which we thrive in and dreams in which we make a reality. I once'd dreamed of him and me having this grand life purely out of love. A grand life where I thrived on being someone else, someone in a story or a picture, someone made up by a great writer a character based on by those old fables of 'the housewife'. I would cook and clean, do the laundry and attend the needs of my husband and our import. My dream was fiction not even achievable by the realm of reality or by sheer concentration. Now months later I see the novel before me, I see the shattered past of fiction and hope, the past of captiva...

It rained hard and I got soaked. It felt nice to get wet, I enjoyed the rain hitting my head and dripping down my face almost cleansing my life and washing away my sins. I like the smell of a summer's rain and I like the excitement of it too, the rush to hide and feel dry, to feel safe and warm not cold and lonely. My sins are that I was so scared of a life without you, a life with only me. A life without planning and dreams, a life I ultimately planned in my head and destroyed by my freedom of speech and actions, a life I made you hate and question and a life you were held captive in. While I walk my desert, my hot desert with the sun so high belting down on my sorrow expressionist face I cant help but feel alone. I cant help but question everything, maybe its the sun, the heat could have me going delirious but I choose not to drink. As I walk I try to forget what remains behind me, the fire has died off and all that's left is the smell of smouldering memories, an em...

Its close to 4am now and I've been drinking. I've noticed my life moving on without you I cant help but notice we are still intertwining in the same circles.  We aren't friends and we wont be for some time but I can see that we have the same friends, the people in which I call friends support me, support the new me in which they find themselves circled by, but what about you ?, are you just as important as me in this new found singleton ? I'm sitting on my bedroom floor, I've opened my window while I smoke, the cold air feels nice against my bare legs. I'm looking at a picture frame I've hidden behind my wardrobe, a picture frame of us. Memories we created together that I will always look back on and cherish,but a picture frame that one day I hope to add to. Its sad really, the life I wanted I wanted you and only you. You were my key to a life I never had and thus my wanting I pushed you away, I pushed you so much to want what I wanted that I pus...

Life; its one big question mark with a thousand answers and many possibilities. Ive lost a lot, gained a lot, had my up and downs, seen some fantastic sights and have met some fantastic people along the way but do we know where this will bring us? I know now that I wont settle for anything other then a smile and that feeling of happiness. Maybe that's why your not here now, maybe that's why you set me free A key opens doors in which we hide ourselves in, hide the real us. But behind those closed doors is a world full of windows and a world of possibilities and wonder. Excitement turns knots in our stomach as when we turn the key, the sweet smell of adventure fills our noses are we breathe in the sweetness of summer air. I'm only starting to notice the keys in my hand and the doors and windows around me. Ive opened one lately and it has lead into a fun new world of friends, travel, festivals and parties, d runken nights out and massive amounts of tea drinking, s...

The tb is back. That travel bug  that once consumed me and made me live for adventure, I remember  booking my flights,  visa's  and hotels and slowly counting down each month, each week then each day until I left. Excitment filled my body but also sorrow and heart ace because as I went on this great adventure of self discovery, you were kept here, chained by the rules and regulations of life. One could say it didn't work out, but we made it. We came out the other end, came out better people and stronger but somehow, somewhere we fell apart. Lately I've been thinking about travelling. It all started a few weeks ago when I heard some amazing news, finally the wedding of two amazing people will take place in my second home, my second home some Ten thousand miles away. "I can go for just over two weeks max" I said but in hindsight why go so far for so short a time period? and   then it started, tb is dangerous bug the inflicts self dou...

I have no reason to reason with me. It's okay to lie to yourself everyday in the hope that things get better. I've done it every single day for the past 6months and I still don't believe it. I cant reason with myself, the internal battle of my shattered mind continues and it always will. I can try as Damian to let it go, but it will take time and an awful lot of time for that to happen. I will cry from time to time about you, I will pound my fist's into my pillow as the tears slip into my mouth and the rush of a memory of those kisses will always come back and haunt me. I will question your happiness but I will always wish you well. * Change is all around us, it's inflicted in our every movement. I believe sometimes that we create our days and the mood that engulfs it. I like to dream a lot, dream about the certain places and people. Places I would only love to see and people I love who I cant see right now, but I will next year hopefully. My physic...

Dear M, We blame ourselves all the time. Sometimes for things that are our own doing and some that have been forced upon us by others. We hate ourselves, we become consumed by the hatred we feel towards ourselves, we even thrive on it. Last week I sat on my kitchen floor crying my broken heart out. I slowly started hating myself again and hating my new found singleton and all that comes with it. See I got consumed in us, I destroyed us and for that I'm sorry. I know I made your life hell, I know I did but I couldn't help it, I really couldn't. I forgave myself for that now, I know what I've done wrong and I promised myself I would never let that happen again. I always seen people are intruders, I would always be cold to them and not welcome them into my world. My world of great friends and my boyfriend. I thought I had it all, when in reality I had you in chains. I would push people out, let them know I didn't want them in my life and in turn I woul...

The big D is back. Its slowly starting to take hold of me, I can feel it slipping back into the light, the light I've tried so hard to stay in. Its bad and its feeling pretty heavy but I welcome it with open arm's. Strangely enough I like the big D even though its awful, its something I've tried so hard not to feel for quite some time, something I've pushed out into the shadows where it belongs but its coming. Roisin  is a wild one, she can party five nights a week and still work her fill time job, she can wake up all over the city wearing nothing but shame but still look like she's spent her whole morning getting ready. Drugs and alchol are her past times. She makes friends with everybody and anybody, she's a truly beautiful person and I always welcome her with open arms when she appears. But Damian is a solid person, his roots are deep from the pain of the past and sadly they hold him back a lot. He can change his surrounds and adjust quite qui...

Dear F, We put food into the freezer to preserve them, to keep them fresh so that when we want to eat the food we can. I put food into the freezer all the time, the bread I buy in bulk goes in, the chicken I buy also the meat and fish and the ice-cream too. But a few months ago I put my heart into the freezer. I had to, I had to preserve it, it slowly started to rot in my hands. See it got ripped out of my chest with such force it took my breathe away. It was an awful scene the only thing I remember was the sweet taste of our tears as we kissed. I remember all that blue blood on the floor and your hands covered in blood. As I walked out the front door I closed it behind me and in turn I closed a door to a life I loved and lived for. It took me a long time to come to terms with my new life. It had happened so fast it didn't feel right, it felt like a dream or as if I never met you. I remember snow was on the ground and I foolishly went on a date with someone, I cant ...